Category: family

Disintegration

Vote for Democracy #37

(Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash)

I am watching the United States, the only country where I have lived for over sixty years, disintegrate around me.

My heart is broken and I don’t know how well I can convey the gravity of the situation, but I have to try.

I will say that there is massive and growing resistance among the public and within the government at various levels but it’s unclear whether or not we can keep our democracy and its Constitution and laws in effect.

The Trump/Vance administration has defied court orders trying to contain their illegal behavior. There have been orders to reinstate employees and officials wrongfully terminated, to restore funding cuts and agency closures that the administration has enacted when only Congress has the authority to do so, and to give due process rights to immigrants and visitors who have been imprisoned in different parts of the country or even sent to a notorious foreign prison in El Salvador.

Trump has written executive orders that don’t reflect reality, declaring states of emergency where there is no emergency so that he can attempt these illegal actions that are terrorizing millions of people, in the United States and around the world.

At the moment, he is trashing our national economy and disrupting the global economy with his tariff policy. He has threatened the sovereignty of other nations who are our allies. The world order that rose from the ashes of World War II over the past 80 years, led by the United States, is damaged and, I’m afraid, irreparable because our allies will not be able to trust us again.

What should be happening is that Congress should impeach and convict the president of high crimes and misdemeanors and remove him from office. Other executive branch officials, including the vice-president, should resign or themselves be impeached for their unconstitutional actions. This would include the current House speaker, who would become president under the Constitution, if he would not restore the rule of law and stop the takeover of the government by oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

Given the way the Republican majorities of both houses of Congress have been behaving, the above scenario will only happen if dozens of Republicans either decide to fulfill their oaths to uphold the Constitution and laws or resign their seats, either to protect their families from threats or to accede to the demands of their constituents who are being harmed by the Republican regime.

I have no illusions that this scenario, which is in accordance with the way our Constitution is designed, is going to happen.

I know that things can get worse. There is the possibility that Trump will try to declare a state of emergency to allows him to use the military within the US to go after peaceful protesters. He could try to jail members of the media or elected officials who oppose him. He could start a war with Canada because he wants to annex them or with Denmark over Greenland, either of which would turn into a major conflict as the other NATO nations would come to the aid of Canada and Denmark under Article 5 of the treaty that formed NATO in 1949.

Or any number of other horrible things that would harm millions of people.

That’s why so many of us are speaking out to resist Trump/Musk/Vance/DOGE.

While my fears are national and global, they are also personal. Among my friends and family are people who are immigrants, naturalized citizens, people of color, part of the LGBTQIA+ community, living in poverty, dependent on government programs for health care or food assistance or income, retired, dealing with illness and/or disabilities, children, elders, students, writers, teachers, government workers, people of various faiths and non-religious philosophies, rural, suburban, and urban dwellers.

In all of that, I think I am typical of most people in the United States.

When I hear about funding cuts for medical research and vaccines, I know that my own health and that of my family and friends has been vastly improved by these in the past and will suffer in the future if these cuts remain in place.

When I hear about visitors from other countries being harassed, turned away, or even imprisoned without cause, I worry about what might happen the next time the UK branch of my family comes to visit because it includes a foreign national.

Watching the wild gyrations in the stock, bond, and currency markets, I worry about our financial stability as we begin our retirement.

I don’t know what will happen next, but I know that millions upon millions of us are trying to keep our democracy intact so there is some chance to repair some of the harms of the last few months.

I wonder if this is how people felt at other times of national peril, especially during the Civil War.

We are not currently forming “a more perfect Union” as the Preamble to our Constitution calls us to do. We aren’t fulfilling any of the purposes of government found there either.

Deep breath.

Keep trying.

Twenty years ago

(Hearts by Angie Traverse)

Twenty years ago today, my friend Angie died.

We had met when we were volunteering at the middle school our children attended. Angie was kind and caring and funny and talented and we became friends, although she had a plethora of friends already. Because we were both doing volunteering and taking care of family, we had the flexibility to meet for lunch and chat or work on committee projects. Because Angie’s good will also embraced family, she got to know my parents.

We thought that, one day, we would become grandparents and have multi-generational hangouts.

Unfortunately, a nagging cough when Angie was 50 turned out to be stage 3 lung cancer. It was a shock because she had never been a smoker. Despite all the best efforts of her medical team, the cancer eventually progressed and took her life at 54.

March 25th was Good Friday that year.

There was a charitable fund set up in her name and, for years, I gave to it every year on March 25th and on her October birthday. The last few years, though, the website has disappeared. I think the fund probably had enough contribution for it to be endowed so its work can continue.

I’ve written about Angie before here at Top of JC’s Mind and even had a poem published about our friendship and her loss.

I didn’t know it at the time, but Angie’s death was followed by the loss of my long-time parish community and the death of B’s dad, the first loss of a grandparent for our daughters.

2005 became one of the worst years of my life.

I fear that 2025 may be even worse, especially when I look at what is happening in the United States as our democracy disintegrates and damages lives here and abroad.

Personally, this will be the year where we figure out what is going on with my health and address it or the year where I have to deal with giving up what I thought my life as an elder would be.

A small problem when people are dying or being threatened or losing family members because Trump/Musk/Vance et al think they can break laws, norms, and ethical obligations and concentrate all power in the executive branch.

I am sorry that I am too weak to be out on the streets for protests and have to confine my activities to online posts and messages and phone calls.

I’m hoping we can turn 2025 around after these horrible last couple of months.

Trying – while mourning for those who have been hurt.

And still, twenty years later, missing Angie.

SoCS: calendar

My calendar used to be filled with meetings, volunteer gigs, poetry workshops and readings, family events, and music rehearsals and concerts.

Now, it’s mostly medical appointments.

I am still holding on to singing with the Madrigal Choir of Binghamton. We are coming up on performance week, which will be a challenge with my diminished energy.

Maybe this next round of tests and specialists will get to a full diagnosis and some kind of treatment to improve my situation. I know that it is unlikely to be fully reversed but I’m trying to retain hope that I can bring back the most important abilities and activities I can’t manage now.

If that happens, maybe my calendar will have somewhat fewer medical appointments and more poetry – with some more travel to see family and outings with friends.

Maybe that can even happen later in 2025.

It depends on what happens with the tests and doctor visits that are in those calendar boxes this spring…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “calendar.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/03/21/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-22-2025/

5 years of COVID-19

(COVID Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash)

The COVID-19 pandemic shutdowns began in the United States five years ago this month. I’ve written a lot of posts about it over those years and I’m proud to say that they have been added to the archives of the Newark Valley (NY) Historical Society to be preserved for future research.

To date, there has only been one case in our household, when B contracted it at a work event in November, 2023. Fortunately, T and I did not get sick.

All three of us participated in Phase III clinical trials for the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine and have kept up to date on recommended doses as the virus has mutated into new variants over these past five years. We’ve also taken other precautions, such as masking and avoiding crowds when virus levels are high. Admittedly, it’s been harder and harder to get information about virus levels in our area as the public health emergency lapsed and reporting became optional.

I do still get some public health and long COVID newsletters that give some information. I found out today, for example, that there is a new variant, BA.3.2, in South Africa that has 50 new spike mutations. It could stay localized and fizzle out; if it out-competes other strains and spreads, it could create a wave similar to Omicron.

As far as the United States goes, I’m concerned that the vaccination rates are likely to fall even further with a vaccine skeptic now in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services. The United States has already suffered over 1.2 million deaths from COVID with millions more dealing with long-lasting health repercussions. Vaccines can help people avert more severe symptoms and decrease the chances of being infected but work best if a large proportion of the population are vaccinated. This also helps protect people who have more fragile immune systems, such as the very young, elders, and people with compromised immune systems.

I believe that information is power, but it needs to be factual information, not wishful thinking or political posturing. We can’t pretend that the virus doesn’t still kill or sicken people and that the United States is not continuing to lose hundreds of people each week due to COVID-19.

To deny the existence of COVID and/or its impact on our lives dishonors those we have lost, those who have been sickened by the virus, their loved ones, and their communities.

Take care of each other and do what you can to keep us all as healthy as possible.

diagnostic progress

I’ve posted variously over the last year about some health problems I’ve been having with a puzzling combination of symptoms, including left-side tinnitus and visual blurring, balance problems, fatigue, brain fog, and left shoulder/neck pain and stiffness.

I’ve been accruing specialists over the last year as we ruled out diagnoses for various body parts but I have always felt that my symptoms were connected because they developed in the same timeframe and seemed to interact with each other. I also, for family history reasons, suspected that there was an underlying connective tissue disorder.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve made some progress on the diagnostic front. I’ve finally been diagnosed with cervical instability, which, when not caused by trauma or Down’s syndrome, is often associated with connective tissue disorders like hypermobility spectrum disorder.

I also had a CT angiogram which resulted in a diagnosis of fibromuscular dysplasia in both internal carotid arteries. This is caused by a problem with the connective tissue within the blood vessel walls. There’s a likelihood that it is affecting other blood vessels, which may be behind some other symptoms in far-flung parts of my body.

At this point, I need to go to a major medical center for further evaluation and, I hope, some relief from symptoms. FMD is not able to be treated directly but there may be some treatments that will improve bloodflow and reduce risk of complications. Fortunately, a college friend who is on the faculty at Columbia University medical school in New York City was able to connect me with their neurology department and I will have a visit there later this month. A team approach is often needed for FMD – and connective tissue disorders, in general – so I may well wind up with a medical team in NYC which will interface with my team here at home.

Thanks to all of you who have been following along on this medical journey and sending me your well wishes and support. I’m likely to be continuing my rather sporadic posting as symptoms allow. For example, the angiogram caused some unforeseen aftereffects that knocked me out for several days and I’m still more limited than I was in terms of energy and clarity. I appreciate your continuing patience with me as I navigate this uncertain time.

“Two-Hour Delay” by Abby E. Murray

Last Sunday, I shared Rattle Poets Respond offering “The Skaters” by Dante Di Stefano.

This Sunday, editor Timothy Green has chosen “Two-Hour Delay” by Abby E. Murray, which, to me, expresses perfectly the state of mind of these harrowing times in the US. (Link will open in a new tab, so you can read it right now or listen to the audio clip of Abby reading it. Make sure to also read Abby’s note that accompanies the poem.)

The opening lines are:

It’s February                                 and already
I’ve overspent my budgeted bewilderment

for the year, most of it on deep & constant
sorrow…

It’s true.

Interestingly, both Abby’s poem this Sunday and Dante’s poem last Sunday feature the counterpoint of a young daughter, enjoying the wonderment of winter, playing against the hard reality of current events.

It is my privilege to know both Abby and Dante, who each earned PhDs from Binghamton University. When I first joined the Binghamton Poetry Project, a community outreach program founded by Nicole Santalucia, Abby was our director. I was honored when Abby agreed to write a blurb for my chapbook, Hearts. It is so beautiful that I still tear up when I read it.

Mid-poem, Abby writes:

Belief is the new disbelief. Grief, not shock,

is this year’s renewable resource, and baby,
the harvest looks plentiful.

I’m really feeling it.

Thank you, Abby, for giving voice to what it is to be dealing with our present times.

Reblog: Poem by Deborah Marshall

I had to share this heart-breaking poem from fellow Boiler House Poets Collective member Deborah Marshall in the Silver Birch Press ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER series. Anyone who has been a care-giver for a loved one with dementia will likely find resonance with this achingly real scene.

Day 15, Bed 201B, Granger 2 by Deborah Marshall (ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER Series)


This has been one of the longest-running series for Silver Birch Press. You can find my post about my own entry here.

“The Skaters” by Dante Di Stefano

I had planned to not post today, taking a rest after the long streak due to Just Jot It January, but had to share this new poem, “The Skaters” by Dante Di Stefano, which is this week’s choice for Rattle Poets Respond, an ongoing series in which poets submit work written in response to something that is currently happening in the news.

Dante Di Stefano often blends elements of his family life into his work, as he does here. I experience this poem as both heart-breaking and comforting, as it expresses so intimately what it is to be a parent. I am also amazed by Dante Di Stefano’s ability to quickly craft something beautiful. Due to the nature of Rattle Poets Respond, poets submit work anonymously that has been written in response to something that happens from Friday to Friday, so there is not a lot of time to ruminate and edit. Di Stefano’s poems have been chosen for this series multiple times, attesting to his talent.

It is my privilege to know Dante, who did his PhD at Binghamton University and lives, writes, and teaches locally. He facilitates the reading series at the Tioga Arts Council where his spouse, Christina Di Stefano, is Executive Director. He has been unfailingly kind and generous to me as I make my way as a “late-blooming” poet.

If you would like, you can hear his voice reading “The Skaters” at the link above.

Thank you, Dante, for sharing your heart with us once again.

2024/5

In late December/early January, many people look back over the year, reflect on its highs and lows, or create some kind of tally.

Sometimes, tallies are created for us, such as Words With Friends, which I have played for 13 years, helpfully telling me I made 8,875 moves in 2024. In my early years of WordPress blogging, they would send us each an annual wrap-up, which I enjoyed. Theoretically, I could put some stats together myself, but I don’t have the wherewithal to manage it.

Some of my poet/writer friends would tally their publications – and rejections – for the year. Given how 2024 went for me, the lists of both would be short, as would the list of completed poems, although I am very grateful that I managed to attend the Boiler House Poets Collective week-long residency at The Studios at MASS MoCA.

My 2024 was mostly taken up with personal and family health issues and my spouse B preparing for his retirement from IBM, which has now happened.

We begin 2025 in uncertainty. With daughter T and I still struggling to find full diagnoses and treatment, what we had imagined B’s retirement to look like is not going to be enacted, at least, not right away.

None of this is helped by the huge uncertainty about what will unfold when DT becomes US president again on Jan.20.

My father used to say “One day at a time” a lot. I am, though, by nature a planner, so I had trouble with the concept.

Now, sometimes, I feel that things are moment-to-moment or that time is somehow suspended or irrelevant.

So, yeah, 2025.

Guess I’ll strive for one day at a time…
*****
Join us for Linda’s Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/07/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-7th-2025/

Happy (US) Thanksgiving!

(Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash)

Wishing everyone celebrating Thanksgiving today a meaningful experience. We are lucky to have my older sister and her husband here visiting for the holiday. For various reasons, we are forgoing the traditional turkey in favor of roast beef and popovers. B, however, did make the traditional apple and pumpkin pies.

B’s nod to turkey was to craft one with his knife while venting the apple pie.

Daughter E is making a more traditional Thanksgiving meal “across the pond” in London where she lives with her family. It’s nice that our dual-citizen granddaughters are growing up with the tradition of Thanksgiving from the United States, even though it’s just another autumn Thursday at school there.

Here, we are having some wet snow for the holiday. It’s been a strange fall with an unusual level of drought, relieved some lately by wet snow and rain. Not sure what will come next.

Wishing everyone some special moments today, whether you are celebrating a holiday or not.