Category: Stream of Consciousness Saturday

SoCS: mostly overwhelmed

I’ve spent this summer feeling overwhelmed.

Well, mostly.

I’ve had some rare moments where I feel that things are on the right track so that they will get completed successfully on schedule – and then the next set of complications arises and I’m back to feeling overwhelmed.

I had planned for this summer to be mostly about poetry – learning more about marketing to get Hearts properly launched, working on getting poem and manuscript submissions in, and generating new work and revising after workshopping. Oh, and making preparations for the upcoming Boiler House Poets Collective residency at The Studios at MASS MoCA in North Adams that will begin late this month.

There are a lot of sayings about what happens when you make plans and then life happens and they fall apart. You can insert your favorite here…

I sit on a number of boards or committees as a volunteer, all worthy causes, centered around the environment, social justice, and the arts. They usually only take up a couple of hours a month each, but this summer, all of them seemed to simultaneously encounter a serious obstacle or be presented with an important opportunity that demanded a lot more meetings and a lot of prep work between meetings.

This all plays into my natural tendency to analyse and think deeply and brainstorm possible solutions and really, really care deeply – but this summer, about way too many things at once. With a few family health issues thrown on top and B’s move out of the offices, I’ve been feeling really stressed and that I’m not on top of anything.

Oh, and this month will bring the tenth anniversary of Top of JC’s Mind and I wanted to do some things to celebrate, like finally upgrading to have my own domain name and such. Maybe that will happen?

(You can probably tell I’m having trouble keeping my mind on one thing at a time…)

At least, an end is in sight.

The residency will happen whether or not I’m optimally prepared, followed by the official launch of the Third Act Upstate New York Working Group on October 5 – you’ll be hearing more about that when registration information becomes available – and the first Madrigal Choir of Binghamton concert on October 22nd, which you’ll also be hearing more about closer to the date. And stuff will be going on with church and poetry and blogging and family and the news and on and on.

So, I did say “an end” rather than “the end.”

I know that more complications will arise and there will be more to do and ponder and meet about but I’m making plans to step back in some ways so that I’m not feeling so overwhelmed and can try to concentrate more on poetry again, as I had originally intended.

Not sure if I will manage it or not but you’ll probably (eventually) find out by staying tuned here at Top of JC’s Mind.

At least, I hope so…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “mostly/at least.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/09/08/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-sept-9-2023/

SoCS: mailing Hearts

It never occurred to me that part of my efforts to learn about publicizing my chapbook Hearts would revolve around envelopes.

I needed to buy envelopes to ship my book, first to family members and the poets who wrote back cover blurbs for me, later to out-of-town folks who ordered directly from me.

Most people ship books like this in padded mailing envelopes for extra protection. The book is 6×9 inches and there are 6×9 padded mailing envelopes, so it seemed straight-forward.

But, no.

Most 6×9 envelopes have that as their internal dimension but don’t accomodoate for thickness, so, even though, as a chapbook, Hearts is not very thick, it wouldn’t fit in most of the envelopes in the store.

I did find one Scotch one that worked because its internal dimensions are 9.25×6. Yay! I bought ten, which was about all they had on the shelf. When I used those up, I bought another ten. The store doesn’t have a lot out at once.

I was running low again, so went to the store and was happy to see they were on sale. There weren’t any on the shelf, so I asked for a rain check. They said they couldn’t do that but could order online.

Except they couldn’t, apparently because of the brand.

And they didn’t know when or if they’d ever get more in. They offered to substitute another brand but I explained kindly that those didn’t fit.

I tried looking for another supplier but couldn’t find an in-store one and the online shipping was too high to order them online and have them shipped to my home. Also, I did not need a box of 100 envelopes!

One of these days, I’ll go back to the store and see if more have appeared.

Meanwhile, I still have three from my last stash.

Realistically, most people order from Kelsay or Amazon. If you have a local independent bookstore, you can ask them to order it for you through Ingram.

See? I told you I was trying to learn marketing…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “envelope.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/08/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-aug-12-2023/

SoCS: five

When I was growing up, five was my favorite number because there were five people in my family, my parents, known here as Nana and Paco, and my two sisters, one older and one younger, and me.

It’s bittersweet to think of that now, with both Nana and Paco having passed on.

I don’t have a favorite number anymore.
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is to think of a number and write about it. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/08/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-aug-5-2023/

SoCS: par for the course

One more time…

I thought I had one.

As most of you know, I am a poet. This means doing submissions – and then waiting months for an answer. (Rarely, it is only days or weeks, but it’s usually months and sometimes over six.)

This morning, I saw that I had a response from an online anthology that I thought I had a good shot to win a place.

But, no.

While one of the poems had made the shortlist, I had not won a spot in the anthology.

Sigh.

It’s a good thing that Hearts came out so that I have a huge positive plus in my life as a poet because it cushions the rejections, of which I am on a pretty long streak at the moment.

Maybe soon I’ll get some positive news on a new submission.

Maybe…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “one/won.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/07/28/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-29-2023/

SoCS: LOL

Back when I was learning my first few acronyms and emoticons – a bit late because I was not an early adopter of cell phones – my older and much more tech savvy daughter was still living at home.

My favorite acronym to use was LOL, which amused my daughter because I would use it for things that literally made me laugh out loud.

Apparently, most people skipped the actual laughing out loud bit…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is to base your post on an acronym. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/07/07/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-8-2023/

SoCS: rocks

When I was a child, I collected rocks in a shoe box. Maybe “collected” is too strong a word as it usually denotes some kind of organization or classification that was not the case. I just picked up rocks that I thought were interesting or pretty for their color or shape.

Rocks were part of every day life – the stepping stones in the brook that we used to get across, the huge boulders under the high lines across from the house, the stones in the yard, the pea-stones along the side of the macadam road.

We had stone samples with garnets in them from the excavation of the underground powerhouse carved out of the mountain for Bear Swamp, a pumped storage power plant that was part of the hydro system that my father oversaw as superintendent of what was then called New England Power. (The plant is still operating over fifty years later, although under another name and company.)

I loved earth science when I took it in high school, so much so that I took a few geology courses when I was in college.

I do still have a few special rocks, including some that have been carved or inscribed with special words. I love their ability to help me feel grounded.

We all come from the earth, after all…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “rock.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/06/30/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-1-2023/

SoCS: travels

We are travelling, so this will be short!

We arrived yesterday and saw some relatives that we don’t see often. A sight for sore eyes!

On Monday, we will relocate to a new site to celebrate our 41st wedding anniversary.

(Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “sight/site” with bonus for using both, although the bonus is psychic, not material.)

(Maybe there is an extra bonus for using both and making it short.)

SoCS: left alone

All I can think of is how hard it was for my father to be left alone when my mother passed away. It was the thing she had been most worried about. What she couldn’t have known was that a pandemic would arrive which severely curtailed our ability to visit.

I’m grateful that she never had to know.
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “left alone.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/06/02/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-3-2023/

SoCS: imposter syndrome

So, here goes one of those dangerous Stream of Consciousness Saturday endeavors…

When I read Linda’s prompt yesterday, which is to use sink/sank/sunk in some way, I did not really have a thought in my head about it and assumed I would not participate this week.

This morning, I was reading this article in Highly Sensitive Refuge on imposter syndrome among the highly sensitive population and it really resonated. Not that every point feels true to my experience, but most do.

I have a tendency to sink into imposter syndrome from time to time. Maybe frequently? Maybe less now than in my younger years? It’s really hard to say.

The point is, with my book Hearts soon to be available from Kelsay Books, I have been consciously trying to fight off the feeling that I’m “just” a community poet who doesn’t really deserve to be considered just, well, a poet in her own right.

Part of the issue is that I was brought up with a deep respect for academic achievement. I truly respect all the years of study that go into degree programs in English or writing. Most of the poets I know and the vast majority of poets I read have these credentials and are much more able to bring that knowledge base into their work than I could ever hope to be. I am grateful for all that I’ve learned from the Binghamton Poetry Project and all the other workshops that I’ve been blessed to be a part of, but, for example, our leaders in Binghamton Poetry Project are all graduate students from Binghamton University, so you get the point…

It’s also not that I don’t get loads of support from other poets, both those with academic credentials and those, like me, without them. The vast majority of poets I interact with are encouraging and wonderful in their support of my work and of me personally. I truly appreciate that and use their voices when I’m in an imposter state of doubt, but one of the things about being an HSP is that you notice and take seriously all reactions around you. When I get into my imposter mode, those negative voices are amplified in my head and feed into my own doubts. Even though the voices that are supportive are more numerous, it takes a huge effort of will to beat back the negative.

I am having some success in breaking away from the imposter thoughts as I do my final preparations for my book launch. Instead of sinking into doubts, I’m reminding myself of what I am actually accomplishing. It’s been a bit easier to do after the very successful reading that Merrill and I did earlier this month. It’s easier when I hold the proof copy of Hearts in my hands. It’s easier when I’m dealing with the wonderful team at Kelsay by email as they finish the final steps in the publication process. I’ve learned so much going through all of this and I’m trying to bring that sense to the next new thing I’ll be doing, which is trying to market and sell my book.

Yikes! That is scary!

You need to be able to center yourself and put yourself out there as being a worthy recipient of someone’s money.

Yikes!

Yeah.

Imposter syndrome.

SoCS: reading

I’m overjoyed with how well Merrill’s and my poetry reading went this afternoon! We had a wonderfully receptive audience and I’m very grateful to Tioga Arts Council for inviting us.

Many thanks to director Christina Di Stefano and to her poet-spouse Dante Di Stefano for creating such a welcoming space and for their kind words.

There may be another post after I’ve had a bit more processing time, but, for now, I think I will contentedly settle in for the evening at home.

[Update: Full post on the reading here.]
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is a word that starts with over. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/05/12/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-13-2023/