Category: Stream of Consciousness Saturday

SoCS: calendar

My calendar used to be filled with meetings, volunteer gigs, poetry workshops and readings, family events, and music rehearsals and concerts.

Now, it’s mostly medical appointments.

I am still holding on to singing with the Madrigal Choir of Binghamton. We are coming up on performance week, which will be a challenge with my diminished energy.

Maybe this next round of tests and specialists will get to a full diagnosis and some kind of treatment to improve my situation. I know that it is unlikely to be fully reversed but I’m trying to retain hope that I can bring back the most important abilities and activities I can’t manage now.

If that happens, maybe my calendar will have somewhat fewer medical appointments and more poetry – with some more travel to see family and outings with friends.

Maybe that can even happen later in 2025.

It depends on what happens with the tests and doctor visits that are in those calendar boxes this spring…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “calendar.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/03/21/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-22-2025/

SoCS: crumpled?

I remember reading Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday yesterday and thinking that I would pass this week because absolutely nothing came into my head, but, this morning, as I lay crumpled on my bed because taking a shower was too tiring and I’m trying to rest so I can participate in a poetry reading this afternoon, I thought I should post because I thought the prompt word was crumple but it was actually crackle, so never mind.

Yeah.

Brain fog.
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Please join us for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Details at the link above.

SoCS: in person online?

I think that the COVID pandemic expanded my concept of being in person.

It used to mean physically being together in the same room, but now I feel like I’m meeting in person if I’m in a real time meeting online where everyone is on camera, even though they are in a little box on my screen.

I don’t feel so much in person if it is a large meeting/presentation where only the speakers are visible and able to speak.

I wonder if others feel similarly.

I think that part of my sense of being in person when online live comes from my being pretty introverted. I find being in a group uncomfortable to begin with; being online gives me a little higher comfort level, although it is still draining for me.

I’d be interested to know others’ thoughts about this…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in person.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/02/21/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-22-2025/

SoCS: when a spoonful of sugar is not enough…

The movie version of Mary Poppins starring Julie Andrews came out when I was very young, so I grew up with the songs from it.

“…a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…”

There is not enough sugar in the world to help those of us in the US cope with the beginning of this second Trump term.

It’s bitter however you experience it.

Those of us who read or read commentary on Project 2025 feared this was coming and tried to prepare but that doesn’t stop it from being awful and hurting lots of people.

Various lawsuits and public pressure and government employees and elected officials demanding their rights have blunted a few things – and caused the administration to back down on a couple of pronouncements – but the efforts to rest all power in the president – well, this president – and a handful of billionaires is underway on a lot of fronts.

I can’t possibly stream of consciousness the whole picture, but will illustrate the meanness, callousness, and vengefulness of Donald Trump by referencing his reaction to the horrible plane/helicopter crash at Reagan National Airport.

The loved ones of the people killed and the grieving public needed condolences and reassurance that there will be a thorough investigation to avoid this kind of accident in the future.

Trump railed against DEI, Presidents Obama and Biden, Biden’s Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, and others, totally without cause.

Of course, he didn’t acknowledge that he had forced resignations or fired the top leaders with the FAA and other entities that deal with such accidents.

It’s a bitter spill to swallow.

We’re not looking for a spoonful of sugar.

We are going to do everything we can to help protect and console those in need, each in whatever way is available to them.

This is my little sliver of that effort this morning.
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “spoonful.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/31/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-1-2025/

SoCS: what I’ve sunk to

I am having real trouble keeping things in line.

Until last spring, I was used to having days that were fairly busy with activities, errands, and writing. Granted, I did need to use a calendar to keep everything in line but I had the wherewithal to keep up.

And now I don’t.

This last week has been particularly challenging.

The current theory, for which there is quite a lot of evidence, is that I’m having some blood flow issues that are keeping me from getting enough blood to my brain and perhaps my left arm. I’m scheduled to have an angiogram on Monday to look into my blood vessels and see if there are any compression areas or blockages. It will be diagnostic, so we might finally be able to figure out what is going on and what we can do for treatment.

I admit that, until yesterday, I had hoped that they might be able to treat whatever they find during the angiogram. I fantasized about coming out of the sedation without the constant buzzing in my left ear that has been there since last March.

But, no.

It hasn’t helped that the transfer of my health insurance after B’s retirement has not gone smoothly. I do have insurance in effect but I don’t have the account numbers yet. Yesterday, they almost cancelled the angiogram because of it. I told them I would let them bill me directly so that they would go through with it.

The extra stress has not been a lot of help.

My fatigue has gotten even worse. I had hoped that I could rest this morning so that I could go to a poetry reading and church this afternoon but I have to face the fact that I can’t. I’m writing this from bed because even sitting in my recliner seems like too much work right now.

My new weekend plan is to lie down as much as possible and rest so that I can get through getting to the hospital for my test Monday morning. It’s likely I’ll be there the whole day but should be able to come home by evening.

Maybe, finally, with a diagnosis.
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in line.” Join us! Find out more about SoCS and Just Jot It January here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/24/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-25th/

SoCS: DT’s Cabinet picks

So, yikes! Going to try to post for Stream of Consciousness Saturday with a political post…

Linda’s prompt this week is “pack/peck/pick/pock/puck” and the first thing that popped into my head was the hearings in the US Senate over the past week for President-elect Trump’s Cabinet picks.

The scariest hearing so far has been for DT’s pick for Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth. While he is a military veteran, he is best known for being a host on Fox News. Unfortunately, he is also known for public drunkenness, misogyny, and mismanagement of charitable organizations. His defense against this evidence was that the accusations against him were “anonymous smears” even though many of them are on public record and that he has now found Jesus and is happy with his third wife and won’t drink if he becomes Defense Secretary.

While I sincerely hope that Mr. Hegseth has mended his ways and retains his new-found maturity and sobriety – or potential sobriety, as I don’t think he said that he has stopped drinking yet – this is not a person whose history suggests he is capable of managing over 3 million employees and a $1 trillion budget. (Apologies if I’m misremembering the figures. Stream of consciousness writing does not allow for side research.)

The vote on his nomination, first on the committee before whom he testified and then, if he passes that, by the full Senate, has not yet been scheduled. I would hope that such an unqualified individual would not be confirmed but the Republicans do hold the Senate majority, so it’s entirely possible.

I’m afraid.
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Join us for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturdays and/or Just Jot It January! More information at the link in the second paragraph.

SoCS: Are there “little things”?

I know that people warn against taking the little things for granted.

I’m in a situation where the “little things” are more the involuntary things.

Like being able to keep my balance.

Or see or hear clearly.

Or make it through the day without having to lie down and rest.

I’m not sure those are the little things that most folks mean…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “Take whatever the phrase “it’s the little things” brings to mind and use it in your post.” Join us for Stream of Consciousness Saturday and/or Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/10/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-11th/

SoCS: still behind

If I looked back through my ten plus years of posts here, I’m sure I would find plenty that talk about my being behind on posting and lots of other things.

Even though I’ve tried to pair down on my commitments, I never seem to be caught up.

Dealing with my health over these last ten months, things have gotten way worse. I feel like I am only handling about a third of what I used to do – and, some days, not even that.

I’ve cut out a lot of tasks, assuming I would get back to them when I was better.

Now, I wonder if these cuts will be permanent…

At some point, if I re-define what I should be doing, maybe I won’t be behind anymore.

That would be novel…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in front/behind.” This post also is part of Just Jot It January. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/03/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-4th/

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/

SoCS: Well-wishes

With so many celebrations going on in this season, with Solstice, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, and I’m sure even more holidays and observances, there are many well-wishes being exchanged.

We need them.

All of them.

This year, with so much going on around the world, so much death and destruction, so many willing to scapegoat or disparage anyone who isn’t like them, we need to concentrate on wishing each other well.

Not just words splashed onto a greeting card.

Actually, wishing each other well and meaning it.

Then, we need to act like it.

Choose Love.

Choose Peace.

Choose sharing.

Choose service.

I wish all of you well as we finish 2024 and move into 2025.
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “wish.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-21-2024/