Blog – Top of JC’s Mind

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/

Vote for Democracy #22

how being a Catholic woman serves as preparation for the incoming administration

(Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash)

I’ve written before about the intersection of how the conservatives in the Catholic Church treat women and issues such as abortion. I’ve also posted more specifically how Leonard Leo and Opus Dei have impacted the Supreme Court and broader governance issues.

While many in the contemporary Catholic church have come to embrace the radical inclusiveness of Jesus, especially for those who are oppressed, others cling to the misogyny, racism, and bigotry that held for centuries when the Church engaged in empire and building of worldly rather than spiritual power. Even into modern times, this has resulted in women not being treated as equals in the Church and in society, along with discrimination against people due to their race, religion, sexual identity, place of origin, and economic status.

While I am blessed to know many in the Catholic church who do recognize my dignity and gifts, there are a number of powerful bishops and laity who do not. These, including an out-sized number of Supreme Court justices, governors such as Texas’s Abbott and Florida’s DeSantis, and the incoming vice-president, JD Vance, are loudly proclaiming and taking action that restrict the rights and freedoms of women and girls. Besides restrictions on abortion that have resulted in permanent injury or death to women, there are also moves to restrict contraception and recognize any fertilized egg as a person, all the while denying personhood rights to any pregnant person.

We are even hearing calls for women, especially mothers, to give up paid employment in order to be at home full-time. Shockingly, some are even calling for the repeal of the 19h Amendment of 1920 which recognized women’s right to vote everywhere in the United States.

While I am sadly accustomed to being recognized as less than a full and equal person in the Catholic church, it is frightening to see these same calls in the context of the United States’ government.

I commit to continuing to fight for equal rights for women and girls, as well as for those of all faith traditions or none, those of all races, ethnicities, and places of origin, all genders and sexual orientations, and all ages and health circumstances, to be treated with equal dignity and protection in the United States. This is also in keeping with Catholic social justice doctrine.

I know millions of others are already at work and will never back down on these human right issues. That we will have to fight for these rights that had been considered settled is disconcerting but I know we will prevail in the long run.

I mourn, though, for those who have been harmed and who will be harmed in the meantime.

One-Liner Wednesday: White Christmas

Growing up in rural New England, white Christmases were a given, but now, with climate change, they are a special treat here in the Northeast. Wherever you are and whatever holidays you celebrate at this time of year, I wish you peace, love, joy, and safety.

This greeting is brought to you as part of Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/25/one-liner-wednesday-happy-holidays/

No CO2 Fracking in NY!

I’m pleased to report that, over the weekend, New York Governor Kathy Hochul finally signed the bill adding carbon dioxide to the existing ban on hydraulic fracturing (fracking) in the state. We recently observed the tenth anniversary of the ban.

You can read more about the bill and how important it is to keeping us safe here.

A huge thank you to State Senator Lea Webb, sponsor of the bill in the Senate, and Assemblymember Anna Kelles, sponsor in the Assembly. Thanks also to Donna Lupardo, my Assemblymember, who was a co-sponsor. I will always be grateful to the large coalition of scientists, experts, Indigenous Nations, environmental organizations, and concerned individuals who have been at work for years on this issue for the good of our health, our environment, and our climate.

Broome County, where I live, would have been among the first targeted with this dangerous experiment to use supercritical carbon dioxide to extract methane. I’m grateful that our state will remain frack-free!

JC’s Confessions #30

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

I try to take mental notes as I go through life in order to give myself guideposts for the future, to give myself advice as needed.

I have watched, sadly, some instances when, as people struggled with medical conditions, they stopped doing things because they were embarrassed to be seen needing assistance or having to do things differently.

As I’ve been dealing with my still undiagnosed health problems since March, I’ve tried to keep some of my commitments going, even though that has meant making major accomodations. For example, I’ve sung the last two Madrigal Choir concerts seated because my balance problems have made standing without support to sing impossible. I also only made it through our afternoon rehearsals by lying down before rehearsal and during our break because it’s difficult to hold my head up unsupported as the day goes on.

I’ve put other commitments on hold totally, even though I get “can’t you just?” comments. The truth is that whatever I do comes at a cost. If I push too hard, I pay for it with a surge of symptoms and fatigue that can go on for days. I choose to do that for a limited number of things but I can’t do it for everything or I literally would not be able to get out of the house – or even out of bed.

We may be close to getting, at least, a partial diagnosis and some treatment, if I’m lucky. I’m alternating between hope and despondency. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this unsatisfying balancing act going.

Do I have the humility to keep asking for the accomodations I need to keep a few of my activities going or do I give up and wait to see if I can get back to doing all the things I want in the way I’m accustomed?

It’s difficult, because I’ve seen too many people lose some joy and time with friends waiting to get better when they never did. With my limited energy and brainpower, I’m fighting to keep some things going, when the alternative would seem to be losing them totally and, perhaps, irrevocably.

So, what am I confessing?

I know my health condition is not a sin. Or what I’m doing to try to cope. Or not being able to power through these situations.

But I do feel guilty for letting people down and not being able to do what I want and not having my accustomed creative and critical thinking skills.

Maybe not for much longer.

Maybe permanently.

SoCS: Well-wishes

With so many celebrations going on in this season, with Solstice, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, and I’m sure even more holidays and observances, there are many well-wishes being exchanged.

We need them.

All of them.

This year, with so much going on around the world, so much death and destruction, so many willing to scapegoat or disparage anyone who isn’t like them, we need to concentrate on wishing each other well.

Not just words splashed onto a greeting card.

Actually, wishing each other well and meaning it.

Then, we need to act like it.

Choose Love.

Choose Peace.

Choose sharing.

Choose service.

I wish all of you well as we finish 2024 and move into 2025.
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “wish.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-21-2024/

One-Liner Wednesday: Welcome, John Vaida!

The Madrigal Choir of Binghamton is thrilled to announce that John M. Vaida will be our next artistic director, beginning in January, 2025, with his first concert with us scheduled for March 30th.

This celebratory announcement is brought to you as part of Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/18/one-liner-wednesday-such-a-great-idea/

Celebrating ten years of the New York fracking ban

Ten years ago today, New York State announced an administrative ban on high-volume hydraulic fracturing (fracking) in the state. (in 2021, the legislature made it a law.)

To celebrate, Food & Water Watch, one of the lead organizations in fighting fracking, has compiled a free, commemorative e-book, which you can download here.

A large coalition of organizations, environmentalists, indigenous nations, scientists, engineers, and concerned citizens had spent years advocating for a ban, helped by many of our Pennsylvania neighbors who were suffering from the harms of fracking in their communities. There had been rallies, commentary in the press and at hearings, educational events, scientific papers and lectures, and showing up at public appearances by then-Governor Andrew Cuomo leading up to the ban, which occurred when the Dr. Howard Zucker, the Health Commissioner, said that fracking was too dangerous for New Yorkers’ health, ending what had been a very fraught battle over the SGEIS (Supplemental Generic Environmental Impact Statement) that would have allowed fracking without need for site-specific studies.

Yes, that sounds very wonky but we were lucky to have lawyers and other experts in the coalition who could break everything down for us into understandable, actionable bits.

My role in the efforts to ban fracking was as a member of the Rapid Response Team. We would receive links to articles about fracking in the media and write comments to bolster the truth and challenge misinformation. It was intense at times but it meant a lot when I would be at a rally or event and people from other parts of the state would recognize my name from comments I had written. It was good to know that my little part was helpful to the cause.

When the announcement came from Albany ten years ago, there was rejoicing from all parts of the coalition and a celebration here in Binghamton, which had been the epicenter of both the pro- and anti-fracking efforts. Unfortunately, I couldn’t attend because I was sick with shingles. I was very grateful, though, and as excited as I could manage to be.

We aren’t having a party on this tenth anniversary but we are all awaiting Governor Kathy Hochul signing a bill that will add carbon dioxide to the existing fracking ban. The bill was passed in March and we have been urging her to sign it ever since.

Many bills get signed in December so it could be any day now, although I’m hoping it will be today.

It would be a fitting tenth anniversary commemoration and a reminder to the nation that New York says NO to fracking!

Update: On Dec. 21, Governor Hochul finally signed the bill. You can read the press release from coalition members here.

One-Liner Wednesday: getting a start

I managed to starting mail out holiday greetings today, but expect it will take a week or longer to get them all sent, given the limitations on my brainpower and energy.

Please join us for Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays, which are usually inspirational and/or fun, even though mine today is neither of those things. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/11/one-liner-wednesday-this-is-the-life/

150th anniversary of the Vicksburg Massacres

(Photo by Justin Wilkens on Unsplash – Yazoo River at Vicksburg during 2019 flood)

Today, December 7, 2024, marks the sesquicentennial of the beginning of the Vicksburg, Mississippi Massacres during the Reconstruction period following the United States Civil War.

I grant you that I would not know this were it not for Ellen Morris Prewitt, an author and fellow blogger, who has been researching this in relation to her own family history.

You can read about it all in this guest opinion piece in the Mississippi Free Press. You can also find the link through Ellen’s blog post on its publication. In looking back through her blog archive, you can find posts on Ellen’s journey of discovering her ancestors’ history and dealing with its impact on her own life.

There is a commemoration occuring this weekend in Vicksburg, recovering a history that had been largely forgotten. Thank you, Ellen, for your role in bringing this history back into our consciousness.

Update: Some photos from the commemoration are available on Ellen’s blog here.