Tag: #SoCS

SoCS: what I’ve sunk to

I am having real trouble keeping things in line.

Until last spring, I was used to having days that were fairly busy with activities, errands, and writing. Granted, I did need to use a calendar to keep everything in line but I had the wherewithal to keep up.

And now I don’t.

This last week has been particularly challenging.

The current theory, for which there is quite a lot of evidence, is that I’m having some blood flow issues that are keeping me from getting enough blood to my brain and perhaps my left arm. I’m scheduled to have an angiogram on Monday to look into my blood vessels and see if there are any compression areas or blockages. It will be diagnostic, so we might finally be able to figure out what is going on and what we can do for treatment.

I admit that, until yesterday, I had hoped that they might be able to treat whatever they find during the angiogram. I fantasized about coming out of the sedation without the constant buzzing in my left ear that has been there since last March.

But, no.

It hasn’t helped that the transfer of my health insurance after B’s retirement has not gone smoothly. I do have insurance in effect but I don’t have the account numbers yet. Yesterday, they almost cancelled the angiogram because of it. I told them I would let them bill me directly so that they would go through with it.

The extra stress has not been a lot of help.

My fatigue has gotten even worse. I had hoped that I could rest this morning so that I could go to a poetry reading and church this afternoon but I have to face the fact that I can’t. I’m writing this from bed because even sitting in my recliner seems like too much work right now.

My new weekend plan is to lie down as much as possible and rest so that I can get through getting to the hospital for my test Monday morning. It’s likely I’ll be there the whole day but should be able to come home by evening.

Maybe, finally, with a diagnosis.
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in line.” Join us! Find out more about SoCS and Just Jot It January here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/24/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-25th/

SoCS: DT’s Cabinet picks

So, yikes! Going to try to post for Stream of Consciousness Saturday with a political post…

Linda’s prompt this week is “pack/peck/pick/pock/puck” and the first thing that popped into my head was the hearings in the US Senate over the past week for President-elect Trump’s Cabinet picks.

The scariest hearing so far has been for DT’s pick for Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth. While he is a military veteran, he is best known for being a host on Fox News. Unfortunately, he is also known for public drunkenness, misogyny, and mismanagement of charitable organizations. His defense against this evidence was that the accusations against him were “anonymous smears” even though many of them are on public record and that he has now found Jesus and is happy with his third wife and won’t drink if he becomes Defense Secretary.

While I sincerely hope that Mr. Hegseth has mended his ways and retains his new-found maturity and sobriety – or potential sobriety, as I don’t think he said that he has stopped drinking yet – this is not a person whose history suggests he is capable of managing over 3 million employees and a $1 trillion budget. (Apologies if I’m misremembering the figures. Stream of consciousness writing does not allow for side research.)

The vote on his nomination, first on the committee before whom he testified and then, if he passes that, by the full Senate, has not yet been scheduled. I would hope that such an unqualified individual would not be confirmed but the Republicans do hold the Senate majority, so it’s entirely possible.

I’m afraid.
*****
Join us for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturdays and/or Just Jot It January! More information at the link in the second paragraph.

SoCS: Are there “little things”?

I know that people warn against taking the little things for granted.

I’m in a situation where the “little things” are more the involuntary things.

Like being able to keep my balance.

Or see or hear clearly.

Or make it through the day without having to lie down and rest.

I’m not sure those are the little things that most folks mean…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “Take whatever the phrase “it’s the little things” brings to mind and use it in your post.” Join us for Stream of Consciousness Saturday and/or Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/10/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-11th/

SoCS: still behind

If I looked back through my ten plus years of posts here, I’m sure I would find plenty that talk about my being behind on posting and lots of other things.

Even though I’ve tried to pair down on my commitments, I never seem to be caught up.

Dealing with my health over these last ten months, things have gotten way worse. I feel like I am only handling about a third of what I used to do – and, some days, not even that.

I’ve cut out a lot of tasks, assuming I would get back to them when I was better.

Now, I wonder if these cuts will be permanent…

At some point, if I re-define what I should be doing, maybe I won’t be behind anymore.

That would be novel…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in front/behind.” This post also is part of Just Jot It January. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/03/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-4th/

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/

SoCS: a new wrinkle

I just finished writing up some notes on a problem I had at physical therapy yesterday.

We were trying to tape my upper back/shoulders and inadvertently caused symptoms in my neck and made my tinnitus louder.

We immediately removed the tape but I’m still having some aftereffects today.

We are still looking for a diagnosis that explains all my medical weirdness but we aren’t there yet.

Meanwhile, I appreciate everyone’s graciousness and patience in waiting for my posts to appear. It’s been an intense few weeks, as you might have guessed in that I still haven’t done a post-election entry. I’ll get there eventually.

I’m trying to extend the grace and patience people are showing me to myself. Sometimes, I even manage it…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is to use the word “just” in the first sentence. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/11/22/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-23-2024/

SoCS: security blanket

I don’t remember if I had a security blanket when I was little but I could sure use one now…

Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “blanket.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/11/15/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-16-2024/ (Admittedly, this is a very brief excursion in stream of consciousness, but I am really struggling with brain fog and fatigue lately and I figured a short post was better than no post.)

SoCS: under litany

under stress

under duress

underwater

under the weather

a short litany for how I’m feeling today

*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “under.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/11/08/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-9-2024/

SoCS: what I knew today

I knew I wouldn’t have the brainpower to write in stream of consciousness what I needed to say today about the upcoming election in the US, so I wisely wrote that post in the conventional way – and am shamelessly sharing it here.

Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is to use a word that starts with kn. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/10/18/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-19-2024/

SoCS: my new piece!

I’ve had a new piece published!

It’s a personal essay rather than my usual poetry.

I posted about it earlier and, yes, this is a way to get more views for Generations Today, who published this story of my relationship with nature and how that lead to my climate activism.

Enjoy!
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is to build the post around a word that has “i before e.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/09/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-sept-28-2024/