Tag: illness

One-Liner Wednesday: healing thoughts

In the face of so much suffering in the world, today I’m sending healing thoughts out to people I know, such as a friend’s spouse and three local poets who have been involved in recent motor vehicle accidents, and the millions upon millions around the world suffering from illness, hunger, violence, and danger of any kind, wishing I could do more to heal and protect them.

You are invited to also send out healing thoughts and to join us for Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/11/19/one-liner-wednesday-my-theory/

JC’s Confessions #31

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

On April 6, 2025, Pope Francis appeared in public for the first time after returning home from his long hospitalization. It was at the end of a special Jubilee liturgy for the sick and health care workers and others who care for them. He had written the homily and a special blessing for the mass, although they were read by others. Francis wrote:

In this moment of my life I share a lot: the experience of infirmity, feeling weak, depending on the others for many things, needing support. It is not easy, but it is a school in which we learn every day to love and to let ourselves be loved, without demanding and without rejecting, without regretting, without despairing, grateful to God and to our brothers for the good that we receieve, trusting for what is still to come.

I am currently entering the second year of dealing with a complex medical situation that has not yet been fully diagnosed. I don’t know if I will be able to be adequately treated or if I will continue to see progression in my symptoms.

It’s hard.

I confess that I am not always gracious in this situation. I manage to let others do things for me and to ask for accommodations if I need them, but I find it difficult to set aside regret and to trust in the future.

This is especially hard for me in regard to my future as a poet. I don’t know if I will regain the creativity I’ve lost to brain fog and fatigue. I’m even losing the concentration and attention to detail needed to do submissions for my already existing poems and manuscripts.

I’m trying not to get to the point of despair.

These next few weeks are important in that I have a new batch of tests and specialist visits coming up.

Maybe having some more information about what is happening will help me to be better with being sick.

Maybe not.

I’ll try.

(I realized when I went back in my blog to find the number confession this was that this confession is, in a way, a continuation of #30.)

SoCS: crumpled?

I remember reading Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday yesterday and thinking that I would pass this week because absolutely nothing came into my head, but, this morning, as I lay crumpled on my bed because taking a shower was too tiring and I’m trying to rest so I can participate in a poetry reading this afternoon, I thought I should post because I thought the prompt word was crumple but it was actually crackle, so never mind.

Yeah.

Brain fog.
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Please join us for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Details at the link above.

getting there…

I’m slow to recover from my angiogram on Monday. I will, though, be heading to physical therapy early this morning, which will be the first time I’ve left the house. Later in the day, I have a phone appointment with my insurer, who may finally have account numbers for me. Fingers crossed!
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There’s still time left to join in Linda’s Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/30/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-30th-2025/

getting sketchy

So, things here are getting pretty sketchy. I have an angiogram scheduled for Monday but am feeling increasingly unwell, which may or may not be related to the purpose of the angiogram.

I’m still hoping to attend a poetry reading that is important to me tomorrow afternoon, but will have to wait and see what kind of day tomorrow is.

At this point, I’m planning to continue to post every day for Just Jot It January but if I just post the word “Jot” at some point, you’ll understand that that is all I can manage.

I have physical therapy this afternoon. Maybe that will help…

Find out more about #JusJoJan here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/24/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-24th-2025/

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/

One-Liner Wednesday: getting a start

I managed to starting mail out holiday greetings today, but expect it will take a week or longer to get them all sent, given the limitations on my brainpower and energy.

Please join us for Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays, which are usually inspirational and/or fun, even though mine today is neither of those things. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/11/one-liner-wednesday-this-is-the-life/

SoCS: security blanket

I don’t remember if I had a security blanket when I was little but I could sure use one now…

Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “blanket.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/11/15/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-16-2024/ (Admittedly, this is a very brief excursion in stream of consciousness, but I am really struggling with brain fog and fatigue lately and I figured a short post was better than no post.)

Summer ’24 COVID wave

(COVID Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash)

It’s become more difficult to keep track of COVID-19 cases here in the United States, as less data is being collected and shared with the public.

We do know that this summer’s wave has been substantial, mostly due to the Omicron subvariants known as FLiRT. While death rates have been lower than in previous waves, they have still been ranging in the 400s-700s per week this summer, which is upsetting. These figures may also be lower than the actual count because reporting is less robust than it was under the public health emergency protocols.

Last week, the US Food and Drug Administration approved the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines based on the KP.2 variant, one of the FLiRT family. Doses are already available from some pharmacies and are recommended for everyone ages 6 months and older. While some people will choose to wait until later in the fall to have the strongest protection possible going into the expected winter wave, I will be getting mine in mid-September so that my immunity will be strong when I go to North Adams for the annual Boiler House Poets Collective residency at MASS MoCA (Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Arts). It looks as though the vaccine will be a good match for the strains that will likely be dominant in the coming months.

The FDA is also expected to approve the Novavax vaccine in the coming weeks. It is a more traditional protein-based vaccine rather than an mRNA one. Some people prefer it because it can cause fewer side effects.

Many people are choosing to ignore any news about COVID and vaccines but it is still a serious problem, here in the US and around the world. This is a reminder that some people are still getting very sick and dying from the SARS-CoV-2 virus. Updated vaccines are known to reduce the risk of hospitalization and death, so please get one if they are available to you. (Contact your health care provider for any special recommendations that may apply.)

Other measures can also help reduce your chances of getting COVID. Wearing a high quality mask, especially in crowded, indoor areas, dramatically decreases the rate of infection. Increasing indoor ventilation and air filtration and holding events outdoors are helpful in preventing the spread of COVID and other viruses. If you are sick, stay home and take precautions against spreading your illness to others in your household. Get adequate rest and nutrition to keep your immune system strong.

COVID-19 has not settled into a pattern like we see with flu and is still much more serious in terms of hospitalizations and deaths. It also impacts more systems in the body and can cause symptoms over a longer period of time, such as we see in cases of long COVID. Some people are willing to risk their own health but please remember that you are also putting your family and vulnerable community members at risk if you spread the illness to them.

Wishing everyone good health in the coming months.

back in the saddle (sort of)

Early this morning, I sent out a couple of (hopelessly above my level) submissions of my revised, full-length poetry collection, which centers on the North Adams, Massachusetts area.

I had mentioned in my National Poetry Month wrap-up that I would be working on revisions after feedback from April Ossmann. Unfortunately, my revision work got sidetracked by my still-mysterious medical condition, but I’ve been chipping away at it on days when my brain fog allows. It’s been difficult for me not to be able to workshop some of the revisions with my Grapevine Poets friends, but I decided the manuscript had been out of circulation for more than long enough that I had to skip this step.

I sent it today to a couple of places that were closing at the end of the month. They are not on my list of target publishers but are places that I want to support. If I’m going to send them money, I might as well send my manuscript rather than just a donation.

I’ll try to send out some more submissions soon. I will continue to sneak in some more revisions, too, especially if I can manage to get enough energy back to be able to workshop again.

Onward – however haltingly…