Tag: health

JC’s Confessions #30

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

I try to take mental notes as I go through life in order to give myself guideposts for the future, to give myself advice as needed.

I have watched, sadly, some instances when, as people struggled with medical conditions, they stopped doing things because they were embarrassed to be seen needing assistance or having to do things differently.

As I’ve been dealing with my still undiagnosed health problems since March, I’ve tried to keep some of my commitments going, even though that has meant making major accomodations. For example, I’ve sung the last two Madrigal Choir concerts seated because my balance problems have made standing without support to sing impossible. I also only made it through our afternoon rehearsals by lying down before rehearsal and during our break because it’s difficult to hold my head up unsupported as the day goes on.

I’ve put other commitments on hold totally, even though I get “can’t you just?” comments. The truth is that whatever I do comes at a cost. If I push too hard, I pay for it with a surge of symptoms and fatigue that can go on for days. I choose to do that for a limited number of things but I can’t do it for everything or I literally would not be able to get out of the house – or even out of bed.

We may be close to getting, at least, a partial diagnosis and some treatment, if I’m lucky. I’m alternating between hope and despondency. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this unsatisfying balancing act going.

Do I have the humility to keep asking for the accomodations I need to keep a few of my activities going or do I give up and wait to see if I can get back to doing all the things I want in the way I’m accustomed?

It’s difficult, because I’ve seen too many people lose some joy and time with friends waiting to get better when they never did. With my limited energy and brainpower, I’m fighting to keep some things going, when the alternative would seem to be losing them totally and, perhaps, irrevocably.

So, what am I confessing?

I know my health condition is not a sin. Or what I’m doing to try to cope. Or not being able to power through these situations.

But I do feel guilty for letting people down and not being able to do what I want and not having my accustomed creative and critical thinking skills.

Maybe not for much longer.

Maybe permanently.

end of BHPC residency + return to reality

The Boiler House Poets Collective after our reading at The Bear & Bee

When I last posted, I had intended to post again sooner, but I found that the BHPC reading had taken a lot more out of me than I had thought, so I concentrated the energy I had on writing new poems and actually making it to workshop sessions.

We also had our planning meeting for next year, which will mark the tenth anniversary of the formation of the Boiler House Poets Collective after the original members met at the first workshop-in-residence by the Studios at MASS MoCA in conjunction with Jeffrey Levine of Tupelo Press. No details available now but lots of fun ideas under consideration!

I am so grateful to be a part of BHPC and am particularly thankful that we have become a true collective, with everyone pitching in to make it all work. I love our creative, supportive, and affirming atmosphere. Given my current health limitations, I would not have been able to participate this year without everyone else’s generosity in lending me a hand – sometimes literally when my balance was off! I also love how our three new members this year brought creative, joyful energy along with them and all plan to return next year.

I came home to a week of medical appointments and tests and an unfortunate uptick in symptoms. We are still working on a diagnosis with more tests and specialists forthcoming. We’ve ruled out a lot of possibilities but I’m anxious to arrive at a diagnosis so that we have a shot at figuring out an effective treatment plan.

Meanwhile, we have less than three weeks until Election Day here in the US. I hope to get out another Vote for Democracy ’24 post out soon.

Deadlines…

BHPC first morning

.This is the first morning of the Boiler House Poets Collective workshop-in-residence this year.

We all arrived safely yesterday afternoon and enjoyed a welcome dinner together at Nara Sushi. After that, we all went back to our apartments. I stayed up talking with my apartment-mate, cleared up a few things on my computer, and went to sleep.

For a few hours.

I woke up at about four and, after I realized I wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep, started drafting a poem in my head, which I then wrote out on paper because it gave me a better pallette for the spacing. I showed it to my apartment-mate before she left in the still-early morning darkness for our studios.

I also came to the studios on the early side and we visited a bit. She graciously swapped chairs with me to make it easier for me to have head and neck support. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to write more, but, looking out my studio window, photo above, I was able to write another section to the poem I started earlier.

It is one of those angsty, personal poems reflecting on my current health and worries. It might never make it even as far as workshopping, but I apparently needed to write it. It’s the first poem I’ve written spontaneously since the tinnitus and other symptoms started in March. I have worked on some revisions and wrote a new poem in a workshop with Abby E. Murray, but, otherwise, hadn’t been feeling creative in that way.

So, yay, for having written something new, even if it is not viable as a work for sharing.

Sometimes, catharsis is reason enough.

BHPC residency begins

Later today, I’ll be travelling to North Adams, Massachusetts to begin the 2024 Boiler House Poets Collective workshop-in-residence at The Studios at MASS MoCA (Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Arts).

It’s been lovely seeing the enthusiasm among my fellow poets as we’ve been doing our final preparations. Unfortunately, due to my current health complications, I’ve mostly been feeling apprehensive.

I’m used to spending long days and evenings during residency writing, editing, visiting the museum, workshopping, and eating/socializing with my poet-friends, but this year I have scaled my plans back significantly in deference to my current struggles with tinnitus, blurred vision, neck pain and stiffness, balance problems, fatigue, and brain fog. I’ve planned to do creative work in the mornings when I’m most likely to have mental clarity, spend most of the afternoon resting, and re-join the group for the evening.

This plan might work – or it might not. I need to be careful to listen to what my body is able to do that day and adjust because, if I push too hard, I risk the next day being a total loss.

I am not putting pressure on myself to generate new work if I don’t have the mojo to do so. There are plenty of poems that I could work on revisions. There’s also a lot of submission work I could do, which isn’t especially creative but does involve careful attention to detail.

It’s not that I haven’t had life complications at past residencies. I’ve done them during the final years of my parents’ lives when I was involved with their care and after their deaths when I was in the early phases of grief.

This situation feels different, though. While my brain was working differently when I was highly stressed or grieving, I still recognized what was happening in my head. The brain fog is more difficult. I need to divert part of my attention to processing what I see and hear and to how I move in order to keep my balance. My thoughts are slowed down and I easily lose my train of thought. I’m accustomed to mulling poems in my head before I sit down to write but it’s rare now that my brain has the power to generate a creative seed and allow it to germinate.

I think part of me is afraid that this state is my “new normal.” Without a diagnosis, treatment is elusive. We are working on that but it’s frustrating that I don’t have my accustomed level of mental acuity to bring to the process.

I’m also sad that I haven’t been able to workshop poems for months here with the Grapevine Poets and that will continue this week with BHPC. I miss seeing others’ work in progress and hearing the discussion about possible revisions. It’s a reciprocal relationship among the poets and very valuable for someone like me who came to poetry later in life without formal training in craft. I miss being able to do it, even though I always feel that I get more than I’m able to give in feedback to others.

As you can see from the graphic on this post, we will be doing a public reading on Wednesday, October 9 at 7 PM at the Bear & Bee Bookshop. I am determined to do that as well as I can. I am reading first when I’m most likely to have the needed energy. I chose poems and wrote out the welcome remarks I need to make so that I don’t babble or forget what I need to say. I haven’t practiced as much as I probably ought to have but will make sure to do at least a couple of run-throughs before Wednesady evening.

You may be asking why on earth I am still trying to do the residency in my compromised state. I am committed to the Boiler House Poets Collective and my current role as liaison to The Studios. Still, I wouldn’t be able to do this were it not for my trust in the BHPC members. Last year, we planned for members to take on different aspects of organizing the residency and everyone has stepped up to do their part and more. I am able to carpool with my local BHPC members so I don’t have to drive. I know that any of them will be willing to give me a hand, perhaps literally if I need it to help with my balance. I absolutely could not do this without their support and I appreciate it.

I’ll try to get some posts in from the residency to let you know how things are going. Prose is generally easier for me to write than poetry so maybe that will work out. Maybe not.

I’ll try to listen to my body.

Wish me luck.

Summer ’24 COVID wave

(COVID Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash)

It’s become more difficult to keep track of COVID-19 cases here in the United States, as less data is being collected and shared with the public.

We do know that this summer’s wave has been substantial, mostly due to the Omicron subvariants known as FLiRT. While death rates have been lower than in previous waves, they have still been ranging in the 400s-700s per week this summer, which is upsetting. These figures may also be lower than the actual count because reporting is less robust than it was under the public health emergency protocols.

Last week, the US Food and Drug Administration approved the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines based on the KP.2 variant, one of the FLiRT family. Doses are already available from some pharmacies and are recommended for everyone ages 6 months and older. While some people will choose to wait until later in the fall to have the strongest protection possible going into the expected winter wave, I will be getting mine in mid-September so that my immunity will be strong when I go to North Adams for the annual Boiler House Poets Collective residency at MASS MoCA (Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Arts). It looks as though the vaccine will be a good match for the strains that will likely be dominant in the coming months.

The FDA is also expected to approve the Novavax vaccine in the coming weeks. It is a more traditional protein-based vaccine rather than an mRNA one. Some people prefer it because it can cause fewer side effects.

Many people are choosing to ignore any news about COVID and vaccines but it is still a serious problem, here in the US and around the world. This is a reminder that some people are still getting very sick and dying from the SARS-CoV-2 virus. Updated vaccines are known to reduce the risk of hospitalization and death, so please get one if they are available to you. (Contact your health care provider for any special recommendations that may apply.)

Other measures can also help reduce your chances of getting COVID. Wearing a high quality mask, especially in crowded, indoor areas, dramatically decreases the rate of infection. Increasing indoor ventilation and air filtration and holding events outdoors are helpful in preventing the spread of COVID and other viruses. If you are sick, stay home and take precautions against spreading your illness to others in your household. Get adequate rest and nutrition to keep your immune system strong.

COVID-19 has not settled into a pattern like we see with flu and is still much more serious in terms of hospitalizations and deaths. It also impacts more systems in the body and can cause symptoms over a longer period of time, such as we see in cases of long COVID. Some people are willing to risk their own health but please remember that you are also putting your family and vulnerable community members at risk if you spread the illness to them.

Wishing everyone good health in the coming months.

One-Liner Wednesday: no CO2 fracking in NY!

On the first day of the New York State Fair, we call on Governor Kathy Hochul to sign the bill adding carbon dioxide to our state’s fracking ban for the good of our health, environment, and climate.

Join us for Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/08/21/one-liner-wednesday-are-you-allergic-to-anything/

Great-Aunt!

(Photo by Lisa Cope on Unsplash)

I’m thrilled to share the news that my niece and her spouse have welcomed a daughter to their family. My niece has had some difficult times with her health so the arrival of their daughter seems even more of a miracle. Wishing them joy and love always!

patience

They say that patience is a virtue.

Sometimes, I’m better with it than others.

I’ve been wanting to write a long, catch-up post for my Vote for Democracy ’24 series because so much has happened, but I haven’t had much good-quality brainpower to do it.

Sorry about that.

I hope you have more patience with me than I have with myself.

Vote for Democracy ’24 #11

a week after the first debate

(Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash)

I watched the first presidential debate on June 27 with my family.

To me, the clear loser in the debate was Donald Trump because he told dozens of easily identifiable lies and didn’t answer many of the questions. He also tried to take credit for some accomplishments of President Biden.

As soon as President Biden started speaking, it was obvious to me that he was ill. He also was rushing his answers, probably in an attempt to pack as much information as possible into the two-minute allowed response time. As Trump threw around lies and accusations, Biden tried to respond to those plus answering the given question and his well-known, long-standing problems with stuttering kicked in, making some of his answers a jumble.

Since then, there has been a large-scale, public freak-out about whether Biden is too old to seek another term, even though Trump is only three years younger and doesn’t lead a healthy lifestyle. Biden’s latest annual physical exam report, dated Feb. 28, 2024, shows that he has no major neurological conditions and that his gait issues are from arthritis in his back and hip, along with some neuropathy in his feet. There is no comparably detailed health report from Trump.

Some of the criticism of Biden makes me wonder if those voicing it spend time with elders. For example, collagen levels decrease with age and this makes one’s face look older. So, yes, at 81 and a healthy weight, Biden’s face looks like he’s 81. It doesn’t mean he is cognitively impaired. Yes, he moves more slowly, as you would expect from someone with that level of arthritis. The presidency is not a footrace. If it were, Franklin Roosevelt would never have been elected.

I appreciate Biden’s wisdom, experience in government, decency, empathy, and compassion. His life journey has been long and he has faced more than the usual share of personal tragedy. He has assembled a very good team of advisors and Cabinet officials. It’s true that his debate performance was terrible but, as President, one is always surrounded by policy experts, advisors, and research documents and doesn’t have to answer questions with a time limit and no notes while trying to rebut lies.

I don’t know what will happen at this point. Biden is determined today to stay in the race but, if he does step aside, Vice-president Harris or whomever the Democrats nominate will have my support and vote.

It will be a vote for democracy.

I won’t vote for Trump because he is an immoral, lying, convicted felon who doesn’t care about our country and its laws. I also won’t vote for anyone who supports him or puts their political party above the laws and the people of the United States. This is especially important after recent decisions by a corrupted Supreme Court. That’s a post for another day.

Today, as we celebrate the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, let’s renew our commitment to each other, to democracy, to our Constitution and laws, and to our highest ideals. Let’s resolve to vote only for candidates who share those ideals and seek to serve the country, not those who seek only to enhance their own power and wealth and that of their rich cronies.

Together, we can keep our democracy vibrant and ready to add more centuries to the 248 years the United States celebrates today.

SoCS: health update

So, here is a reminder for those of you caught under a heat dome as we are here in the Northeast US at the moment: Drink plenty of water.

“Water” is Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week and, as always, you are invited to join us.

Admittedly, I’m mostly posting today for SoCS not to talk about water but to let people know that I’ve finally managed to do the health update I promised at SoCS last week.

And now, I need to rest.

Maybe I should have some more water first.