Tag: health

haiku for Renee Nicole Good

murdered poet gifts
words crowds magnify Renee’s
voice radiates Good

After finding out the day after her murder that Renee Nicole Good was a poet, I woke up Friday morning with the idea for this haiku in my head. I worked on it and sent it to the nearly-impossible-to-make-the-cut Rattle Poets Respond, which requires submissions by Friday midnight that relate to news from the last week and were written in that time.

After the anticipated rejection arrived, I pondered whether to try another venue or publish it here. I had the rare opportunity to meet with the Grapevine Poets yesterday and decided that I should share it here so it would be available in a timely manner.

I used to meet with the Grapevine Poets for early-evening workshopping every other week but haven’t been able to for most of the last two years due to my health situation. Yesterday, we had an afternoon craft discussion, which I could manage because I could muster enough energy and brain power at that time of day.

During this time of health struggles, I haven’t been able to write poetry very often, so I’ve seized this opportunity. I like writing haiku and tanka and those forms hold the additional appeal of being very short, which matches my limited energy and ability to focus. I haven’t shown this to anyone so this is just coming from my own head and heart.

A feature of this haiku is that I chose to forgo punctuation and capitalization, other than Renee’s name. This gives the opportunity to read the lines with pauses in different places, which places emphasis on different words. It also makes this haiku particularly dense. I’m not sure if this works for other readers or not, but I would appreciate any comments that anyone might like to share.

This post is part of Linda’s Just Jot It January. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2026/01/12/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-12th-2026/

JC’s Confessions #32

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

I am (perhaps overly) proud of my intellect.

It wasn’t always that way.

I was brought up with the ethos of “do the best you can” and the good fortune that my best fit in well with the expectations of schooling. That, coupled with a natural love of learning, landed me various honors. High school valedictorian, also attained by both my older and younger sisters. Phi Beta Kappa and summa cum laude at Smith College, where I was also the Presser Scholar in music my senior year. While I was thrilled to be recognized, I could chalk up the honors to my hard work and liberal-artsy curiosity rather than ascribing it to particular intelligence.

Developing pride came more as a self-defense mechanism when I was a young mom. I had chosen to be the full-time, at-home caregiver, facilitated by the time and place in which B and I were navigating parenthood. This was not, though, the lifestyle expected of a high-achieving, Seven-Sisters grad. Without the external validation of a paying job and in contravention of the “having it all” Super-woman model of the 1980s, I developed pride in who I was and what I chose to do – and do well, as I continued to do the best that I could – almost as a defense mechanism.

This quiet pride helped me navigate a number of challenges in our family life and in my volunteer work over decades, but pride is both a positive attribute and a “deadly sin.”

As many of you know, I’ve been struggling with a still-not-fully-diagnosed medical condition, now well into its second year, that has caused significant brain fog and fatigue. In particular, I’ve lost access to my creative side, which is a huge blow to my life as a poet, and my ability to research, synthesize, and think critically is diminished both in scope and duration.

It’s a difficult time in my life and made more so because my intellect has long been such a core part of my identity.

Who am I living with this disability?

How will I face the prospect of losing the life of the mind that I have cultivated and loved for so long?

I’ve been fighting my way through the medical maze to try to regain what I’ve lost but it’s not at all clear at this point that it will be possible. I also am facing the prospect that I could deteriorate further.

Can I remain proud of who I am?

I know the answer should be yes, in keeping with the dignity inherent in each person.

It remains to be seen if I can apply the grace I give to others to myself.

My Poem in Paterson Literary Review!

2025 Paterson Literary Review cover: Maria Mazziotti Gillan, Woman in Red Asian Shawl

Yesterday, I was thrilled to receive my contributor copy of the 2025 Paterson Literary Review. The link is to their site; the 2025 issue is not yet available to order but should be shortly.

For those of you who may not be familiar, the founding editor of the Paterson Literary Review is Maria Mazziotti Gillan, poet, editor, educator, artist, and Bartle Professor Emerita of English and creative writing at Binghamton University. I live in the Binghamton area and, while I never had the privilege of studying with her, many of the local poets that I have learned from through the Binghamton Poetry Project and through other local workshops were her students and often referred to her and used her books of prompts in our work together.

Having a poem in PLR is a dream come true for me. It’s an honor to be in the company of such distinguished poets. I’d start naming names but the post would go on too long and, with a 53 year history, I’d invariably leave out someone whom I should include.

My poem is “Giovanni” and is about my maternal grandfather. It’s part of my yet-to-be-published full-length collection, The Beyond Place, which centers on the North Adams, Massachusetts area, where I grew up and several generations of my family lived. The Hoosac Tunnel is part of the fabric of this poem.

Because of my health issues, I haven’t been able to do much poetry work, including submissions, for months. I submitted “Giovanni” last September and it was accepted in November, but, because the Paterson Literary Review is a huge undertaking to print – this edition has over 300 pages – it is just arriving now. It’s good for me to have a reminder that I am still acknowledged as a poet, even when I’m not able to do much work at the moment.

Thank you, Maria Mazziotti Gillan, for the honor of appearing in the Paterson Literary Review!

One-Liner Wednesday: Congressional accountability

To any member of the US Congress voting to cut health and food assistance to their constituents in order to give huge, permanent tax cuts and subsidies to the very wealthy, including fossil fuel companies: You can expect that your voters will choose a candidate in the next election who will represent their interests, not those of millionaires and billionaires who only care about their own riches and not the common good or the planet.

Join us for Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/07/02/one-liner-wednesday-take-me-out/

SoCS: walks – or not

I used to enjoy going for walks with my spouse but haven’t been able to for most of the last 15 months due to my current health struggles.

You can read more about that here, in the context of today being the last day of EDS/HSD Awareness Month.

I used most of my energy getting that post together, here in this early morning timeframe, so this is a short Stream of Consciousness Saturday post. Linda’s prompt this week is “walk.” Please consider joining us or just stop by Linda’s site to wish her and her family well as they are recovering from illness at this point.

5 years of COVID-19

(COVID Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash)

The COVID-19 pandemic shutdowns began in the United States five years ago this month. I’ve written a lot of posts about it over those years and I’m proud to say that they have been added to the archives of the Newark Valley (NY) Historical Society to be preserved for future research.

To date, there has only been one case in our household, when B contracted it at a work event in November, 2023. Fortunately, T and I did not get sick.

All three of us participated in Phase III clinical trials for the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine and have kept up to date on recommended doses as the virus has mutated into new variants over these past five years. We’ve also taken other precautions, such as masking and avoiding crowds when virus levels are high. Admittedly, it’s been harder and harder to get information about virus levels in our area as the public health emergency lapsed and reporting became optional.

I do still get some public health and long COVID newsletters that give some information. I found out today, for example, that there is a new variant, BA.3.2, in South Africa that has 50 new spike mutations. It could stay localized and fizzle out; if it out-competes other strains and spreads, it could create a wave similar to Omicron.

As far as the United States goes, I’m concerned that the vaccination rates are likely to fall even further with a vaccine skeptic now in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services. The United States has already suffered over 1.2 million deaths from COVID with millions more dealing with long-lasting health repercussions. Vaccines can help people avert more severe symptoms and decrease the chances of being infected but work best if a large proportion of the population are vaccinated. This also helps protect people who have more fragile immune systems, such as the very young, elders, and people with compromised immune systems.

I believe that information is power, but it needs to be factual information, not wishful thinking or political posturing. We can’t pretend that the virus doesn’t still kill or sicken people and that the United States is not continuing to lose hundreds of people each week due to COVID-19.

To deny the existence of COVID and/or its impact on our lives dishonors those we have lost, those who have been sickened by the virus, their loved ones, and their communities.

Take care of each other and do what you can to keep us all as healthy as possible.

SoCS: crumpled?

I remember reading Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday yesterday and thinking that I would pass this week because absolutely nothing came into my head, but, this morning, as I lay crumpled on my bed because taking a shower was too tiring and I’m trying to rest so I can participate in a poetry reading this afternoon, I thought I should post because I thought the prompt word was crumple but it was actually crackle, so never mind.

Yeah.

Brain fog.
*****
Please join us for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Details at the link above.

SoCS: what I’ve sunk to

I am having real trouble keeping things in line.

Until last spring, I was used to having days that were fairly busy with activities, errands, and writing. Granted, I did need to use a calendar to keep everything in line but I had the wherewithal to keep up.

And now I don’t.

This last week has been particularly challenging.

The current theory, for which there is quite a lot of evidence, is that I’m having some blood flow issues that are keeping me from getting enough blood to my brain and perhaps my left arm. I’m scheduled to have an angiogram on Monday to look into my blood vessels and see if there are any compression areas or blockages. It will be diagnostic, so we might finally be able to figure out what is going on and what we can do for treatment.

I admit that, until yesterday, I had hoped that they might be able to treat whatever they find during the angiogram. I fantasized about coming out of the sedation without the constant buzzing in my left ear that has been there since last March.

But, no.

It hasn’t helped that the transfer of my health insurance after B’s retirement has not gone smoothly. I do have insurance in effect but I don’t have the account numbers yet. Yesterday, they almost cancelled the angiogram because of it. I told them I would let them bill me directly so that they would go through with it.

The extra stress has not been a lot of help.

My fatigue has gotten even worse. I had hoped that I could rest this morning so that I could go to a poetry reading and church this afternoon but I have to face the fact that I can’t. I’m writing this from bed because even sitting in my recliner seems like too much work right now.

My new weekend plan is to lie down as much as possible and rest so that I can get through getting to the hospital for my test Monday morning. It’s likely I’ll be there the whole day but should be able to come home by evening.

Maybe, finally, with a diagnosis.
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in line.” Join us! Find out more about SoCS and Just Jot It January here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/24/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-25th/

SoCS: still behind

If I looked back through my ten plus years of posts here, I’m sure I would find plenty that talk about my being behind on posting and lots of other things.

Even though I’ve tried to pair down on my commitments, I never seem to be caught up.

Dealing with my health over these last ten months, things have gotten way worse. I feel like I am only handling about a third of what I used to do – and, some days, not even that.

I’ve cut out a lot of tasks, assuming I would get back to them when I was better.

Now, I wonder if these cuts will be permanent…

At some point, if I re-define what I should be doing, maybe I won’t be behind anymore.

That would be novel…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in front/behind.” This post also is part of Just Jot It January. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/03/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-4th/

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/