Tag: activities

SoCS: what I’ve sunk to

I am having real trouble keeping things in line.

Until last spring, I was used to having days that were fairly busy with activities, errands, and writing. Granted, I did need to use a calendar to keep everything in line but I had the wherewithal to keep up.

And now I don’t.

This last week has been particularly challenging.

The current theory, for which there is quite a lot of evidence, is that I’m having some blood flow issues that are keeping me from getting enough blood to my brain and perhaps my left arm. I’m scheduled to have an angiogram on Monday to look into my blood vessels and see if there are any compression areas or blockages. It will be diagnostic, so we might finally be able to figure out what is going on and what we can do for treatment.

I admit that, until yesterday, I had hoped that they might be able to treat whatever they find during the angiogram. I fantasized about coming out of the sedation without the constant buzzing in my left ear that has been there since last March.

But, no.

It hasn’t helped that the transfer of my health insurance after B’s retirement has not gone smoothly. I do have insurance in effect but I don’t have the account numbers yet. Yesterday, they almost cancelled the angiogram because of it. I told them I would let them bill me directly so that they would go through with it.

The extra stress has not been a lot of help.

My fatigue has gotten even worse. I had hoped that I could rest this morning so that I could go to a poetry reading and church this afternoon but I have to face the fact that I can’t. I’m writing this from bed because even sitting in my recliner seems like too much work right now.

My new weekend plan is to lie down as much as possible and rest so that I can get through getting to the hospital for my test Monday morning. It’s likely I’ll be there the whole day but should be able to come home by evening.

Maybe, finally, with a diagnosis.
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in line.” Join us! Find out more about SoCS and Just Jot It January here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/24/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2025-daily-prompt-for-jan-25th/

JC’s Confessions #30

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

I try to take mental notes as I go through life in order to give myself guideposts for the future, to give myself advice as needed.

I have watched, sadly, some instances when, as people struggled with medical conditions, they stopped doing things because they were embarrassed to be seen needing assistance or having to do things differently.

As I’ve been dealing with my still undiagnosed health problems since March, I’ve tried to keep some of my commitments going, even though that has meant making major accomodations. For example, I’ve sung the last two Madrigal Choir concerts seated because my balance problems have made standing without support to sing impossible. I also only made it through our afternoon rehearsals by lying down before rehearsal and during our break because it’s difficult to hold my head up unsupported as the day goes on.

I’ve put other commitments on hold totally, even though I get “can’t you just?” comments. The truth is that whatever I do comes at a cost. If I push too hard, I pay for it with a surge of symptoms and fatigue that can go on for days. I choose to do that for a limited number of things but I can’t do it for everything or I literally would not be able to get out of the house – or even out of bed.

We may be close to getting, at least, a partial diagnosis and some treatment, if I’m lucky. I’m alternating between hope and despondency. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this unsatisfying balancing act going.

Do I have the humility to keep asking for the accomodations I need to keep a few of my activities going or do I give up and wait to see if I can get back to doing all the things I want in the way I’m accustomed?

It’s difficult, because I’ve seen too many people lose some joy and time with friends waiting to get better when they never did. With my limited energy and brainpower, I’m fighting to keep some things going, when the alternative would seem to be losing them totally and, perhaps, irrevocably.

So, what am I confessing?

I know my health condition is not a sin. Or what I’m doing to try to cope. Or not being able to power through these situations.

But I do feel guilty for letting people down and not being able to do what I want and not having my accustomed creative and critical thinking skills.

Maybe not for much longer.

Maybe permanently.