Tag: thought

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/

SoCS: under litany

under stress

under duress

underwater

under the weather

a short litany for how I’m feeling today

*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “under.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/11/08/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-9-2024/

One-Liner Wednesday: in a democracy

In a democracy it is the duty of every citizen to think.

~~~ James Russell Lowell in the first presidential endorsement in The Atlantic in 1860 when the new magazine endorsed Abraham Lincoln; this year, in only their fifth endorsement in their long, storied history, they endorsed Kamala Harris.

This timely reminder is brought to you as part of Linda’s One-Liner Wednesday. Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/10/30/one-liner-wednesday-getting-ready/

patience

They say that patience is a virtue.

Sometimes, I’m better with it than others.

I’ve been wanting to write a long, catch-up post for my Vote for Democracy ’24 series because so much has happened, but I haven’t had much good-quality brainpower to do it.

Sorry about that.

I hope you have more patience with me than I have with myself.

SoCS: what’s in a nutshell?

As a writer, or even as a speaker, I have a lot of trouble with putting things in a nutshell.

I don’t like to commit things to print or speech unless I’ve had a long time to mull them and reflect on them deeply. By the time I’ve done that, there is too much material to stuff into a nutshell. (She says while writing stream of consciousness with minimal reflection time…)

I guess I save my “nutshell communication” for poetry, when I’m usually looking to distill the essence into as few words as possible. Just the meat of the matter. Still, though, carrying depth.

Metaphor helps…
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “in a nutshell.” To find out more about joining the fun of Stream of Consciousness Saturday and/or Just Jot It January, visit here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/01/19/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2024-daily-prompt-jan-20th/ 

SoCS: Just do it – or not.

I am not one of those people who can “just do it.”

I think I’m constitutionally unable to be. (Not constitution as in government document but as in my personal makeup.)

If I am going to commit myself to do “a thing,” I need to consider it first to make sure it is the right thing for me to do at a certain time. I consider this being thoughtful, although it is sometimes mistaken for being slow, uncaring, indecisive, disapproving, etc. This can be frustrating and I sometimes have to explain to people that I just need a bit of time to process/think. People who know me well realize that it is just how I am.

There are times, though, that it might be helpful to be better at “just doing it.” There are times and tasks that I don’t like at all, such as housecleaning, when it might be better if I could just make myself do them rather than deferring.

Admittedly, on these cold, dark winter mornings, it can take an attitude of “just do it” just to get out of bed!

For the most part, though, I am grateful to be able to take time to consider before jumping into action. It may be slower but I make fewer mistakes/missteps when I take time to think rather than “just doing it.”
*****
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “just do it.” Join us for SoCS and/or Just Jot it January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/01/05/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2024-daily-prompt-jan-6th/

One-Liner Wednesday: trouble

You know you’re in trouble when even finding a meaningful quote for One-Liner Wednesday is beyond your brainpower.

This (poor excuse of a) post is brought to you as part of Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/08/one-liner-wednesday-im-over-it/

implicit bias

Yesterday, I reported for jury duty, although I wasn’t chosen to be a juror.

After some initial paperwork, all the prospective jurors watched two short videos. One was the basics of court cases, which had been digitized from an older film version, making the audio and visual quality mediocre at best. The other was a very good video about implicit bias.

Implicit bias is the phenomenon of having unconscious thoughts or feelings about something or someone. The video pointed out that most of what our brains do every day is unconscious, ingrained from prior experience. For example, we don’t have to consciously reason out that you pour coffee into a cup rather than a shoe. Our unconscious mind knows what we need to do in most of our daily activities and can handle millions of details while our conscious mind can only handle a few dozen. However, our unconscious mind may also be the home of stereotypes of people of a certain race, gender, religion, occupation, socioeconomic group, etc.

The video was a very helpful reminder that we do need to consciously consider the influence our unconscious mind has on our thoughts and decisions, especially when dealing with new people and situations. During a trial, there are bound to be many instances of potential implicit bias. Do you trust a witness of the same race as you more than one of another race? Do you believe or disbelieve every word from a police officer because of the way you unconsciously react to authority figures?

I thought that the video did a good job of pointing out that everyone has implicit biases because everyone has an unconscious mind that is making it possible to function. The thing that is needed, during a trial and in everyday life, is to bring your conscious mind to bear on a situation and to ask yourself if your initial reactions are influenced by unconscious bias. The hope is that the recognition will make your judgments and actions fairer.

While I’m not acting as a juror this week, I will try to be more conscious of my own implicit bias in my daily life.

It will always be a work-in-progress.
*****
Join us for Linda’s Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/01/24/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-24th-2023/

One-Liner Wednesday: troublemaker or truth teller?

No, I’m not a troublemaker but I am a truth teller, and that can get you into a lot of trouble. But people deserve other people’s answers, other points of view, so they can assemble their own.

Joan Chittister, OSB

Join us for Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2022/07/20/one-liner-wednesday-ah-the-oldies/

fits and starts

Ugh! There is so much stuff I want/need to do and not nearly enough brainpower to do it.

Admittedly, part of the problem is that I necessarily deferred a lot of things when I was involved with multi-generational caregiving for years and now there is a huge backlog that needs attention. Some are practical things, like dealing with the rest of the belongings of Grandma, Nana, and Paco that are still stored at our house and finishing the remaining work with Paco’s estate, including the final tax filings and, oh, our tax returns, too. Some are creative things, like writing blog posts and poetry, and the administrative tasks that go along with them, like getting submissions in, which I find both tedious and nerve-wracking. Some are educational, trying to stay informed about what is happening in the world and using that knowledge to advocate for social and environmental justice. And, of course, there are the errands, appointments, and household tasks that need doing, although I appreciate that B and T continue to cover a good chunk of the housework that I abandoned in recent years.

The biggest problem for me remains, though, that it’s difficult for me to muster the energy and concentration I need to tackle tasks that need critical and/or creative thought and decision-making. I suppose this is complicated by my INFJ-ness, which means that nearly everything for me involves deep thought.

It’s exhausting.

There is also the reality that I am dealing with several years’ worth of grief and loss. The difficult period leading to Grandma’s death in 2016 followed by Nana’s struggles with heart failure leading to her death in 2019 followed by Paco’s decline and his death in September last year left me with a lot of deferred grief, which I have only recently realized and begun to process. There is also the personal loss of proximity to daughter E and granddaughters ABC and JG, who live across the Atlantic from us. Overlaying these personal losses is the pandemic and the upheaval, suffering, and death it has caused. The death toll in the US alone is 955,000, which, as staggering as that figure is, is probably an underestimate. The world is also in the midst of a major ideological rift between democracy and authoritarianism which is terrifying and destabilizing. I have lost the sense that the US is on a positive trajectory toward “a more perfect Union” as our Constitution terms it, which adds to my sense of grief.

It’s a lot.

I know it’s a lot and there are valid reasons that I find my concentration and energy so scant. I know I should be patient with myself, as I would be with a friend or loved one. I know I should be practicing self-care and not admonishing myself for not having the wherewithal to power through all of this and “accomplish my goals” and “be my best self” and whatever.

I try.

Sometimes, I manage it. Other times, not so much.

Look. Today, I managed to write this post.