I am not one of those people who can “just do it.”
I think I’m constitutionally unable to be. (Not constitution as in government document but as in my personal makeup.)
If I am going to commit myself to do “a thing,” I need to consider it first to make sure it is the right thing for me to do at a certain time. I consider this being thoughtful, although it is sometimes mistaken for being slow, uncaring, indecisive, disapproving, etc. This can be frustrating and I sometimes have to explain to people that I just need a bit of time to process/think. People who know me well realize that it is just how I am.
There are times, though, that it might be helpful to be better at “just doing it.” There are times and tasks that I don’t like at all, such as housecleaning, when it might be better if I could just make myself do them rather than deferring.
Admittedly, on these cold, dark winter mornings, it can take an attitude of “just do it” just to get out of bed!
For the most part, though, I am grateful to be able to take time to consider before jumping into action. It may be slower but I make fewer mistakes/missteps when I take time to think rather than “just doing it.” ***** Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “just do it.” Join us for SoCS and/or Just Jot it January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/01/05/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2024-daily-prompt-jan-6th/
So, here goes one of those dangerous Stream of Consciousness Saturday endeavors…
When I read Linda’s prompt yesterday, which is to use sink/sank/sunk in some way, I did not really have a thought in my head about it and assumed I would not participate this week.
This morning, I was reading this article in Highly Sensitive Refuge on imposter syndrome among the highly sensitive population and it really resonated. Not that every point feels true to my experience, but most do.
I have a tendency to sink into imposter syndrome from time to time. Maybe frequently? Maybe less now than in my younger years? It’s really hard to say.
The point is, with my book Hearts soon to be available from Kelsay Books, I have been consciously trying to fight off the feeling that I’m “just” a community poet who doesn’t really deserve to be considered just, well, a poet in her own right.
Part of the issue is that I was brought up with a deep respect for academic achievement. I truly respect all the years of study that go into degree programs in English or writing. Most of the poets I know and the vast majority of poets I read have these credentials and are much more able to bring that knowledge base into their work than I could ever hope to be. I am grateful for all that I’ve learned from the Binghamton Poetry Project and all the other workshops that I’ve been blessed to be a part of, but, for example, our leaders in Binghamton Poetry Project are all graduate students from Binghamton University, so you get the point…
It’s also not that I don’t get loads of support from other poets, both those with academic credentials and those, like me, without them. The vast majority of poets I interact with are encouraging and wonderful in their support of my work and of me personally. I truly appreciate that and use their voices when I’m in an imposter state of doubt, but one of the things about being an HSP is that you notice and take seriously all reactions around you. When I get into my imposter mode, those negative voices are amplified in my head and feed into my own doubts. Even though the voices that are supportive are more numerous, it takes a huge effort of will to beat back the negative.
I am having some success in breaking away from the imposter thoughts as I do my final preparations for my book launch. Instead of sinking into doubts, I’m reminding myself of what I am actually accomplishing. It’s been a bit easier to do after the very successful reading that Merrill and I did earlier this month. It’s easier when I hold the proof copy of Hearts in my hands. It’s easier when I’m dealing with the wonderful team at Kelsay by email as they finish the final steps in the publication process. I’ve learned so much going through all of this and I’m trying to bring that sense to the next new thing I’ll be doing, which is trying to market and sell my book.
Yikes! That is scary!
You need to be able to center yourself and put yourself out there as being a worthy recipient of someone’s money.
In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.
JC
Over the many years of caregiving and volunteering I have done, people have often advised (admonished) me to “take care of myself.”
I don’t think it is something that I do very well.
I do try. I eat well (usually) and sleep (generally not so well, but not for lack of trying). I do my physical therapy exercises most days and speak with my counselor on a regular basis. (I love getting massages but the pandemic and other complications have interfered with what used to be a regular part of my self-care plan.)
I admit that the amount of stress, grief, and loss has been high for a lot of years. I would sometimes joke in recent years that it was too late for whatever stressor to give me gray hairs, although I notice that my eyebrows are beginning to turn silver and that my facial lines seem to be more indicative of sadness, unless I am actively smiling. (Or maybe this is straight-up aging, rather than stress-induced?)
(Hmmm…wonder if my extensive use of parentheses in this post is a form of denial, distancing, or hedging?)
But here’s the thing. When people want you to “take care of yourself,” the subtext is often to put yourself first, which is not my nature as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). I will always care about what people close to me are experiencing and try to do whatever is in my power (and sometimes attempt what is not really in my power) to help. I also feel compelled to serve my neighbors, whether near or far, which, given the state of the US and the world, is a huge task, but I try to shoulder my tiny sliver of it as best I can.
It’s a lot.
I can hear some people’s brains clicking with (totally valid) thoughts about boundaries and such…
And maybe I’ll manage that wisdom if I am gifted with enough years.
Or maybe I will always be “guilty” of prioritizing the needs of others before my own.
Joanne Corey 