“Nothing in life is to be feared, only understood. Now is the time to understand more so that we may fear less.”
~~~ Marie Curie
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“It’s hard to know if you’re crazy if you feel you’re in danger all the time now.”
~~~Jenny Holzer
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One of the purposes of the choice of “Be Heard” as the theme of the Binghamton Women’s March was to listen to perspectives that have often been silenced. One of the most powerful speeches was about sexual assault.
With the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements in the news, I have also been having some discussions about consent and assault/harassment with my daughters, who are in their late twenties and early thirties.
The Women’s March speaker who was a survivor of sexual assault said something that really articulated the issue of consent for me, something along the lines of she is not sure if she said no, but she was very sure she did not say yes. She did not give consent.
Her words crystallized something for me so that I understood better what my daughters and other younger women have been saying. As a woman in her later fifties, I wasn’t really brought up with discussion about consent. We were trained to be vigilant about making sure no one drugged our drinks at a party and about staying away from dark or isolated places, but not about what to do if a date or acquaintance pressured or overpowered or coerced us into unwanted sexual behavior.
I understood over time that it was never about what women wore or if they had been drinking or if they knew their attacker. Women who are assaulted are not at fault for their assault. No means no.
What I hadn’t understood until now was the extent to which no means no is not enough. Women may freeze or shut down in fear when faced with sexual aggression and may not be able to say no. They may not be able to leave the situation without the threat of violence against them. Asking “why didn’t she just leave?” is akin to asking “why was she wearing that?”
The questions are placing blame on the victim rather than on the perpetrator.
All forms of abuse and harassment are abuses of power. Sexual abuse and harassment are no different.
Consent needs to mutual, ongoing, and enthusiastic from all participants. Anything less makes what should be a caring and loving encounter into an abuse of power.
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I have been writing for months about how scared I am of DT.
Over the weekend, though, I have been getting lots of messages to not be afraid.
At the Women’s March in Binghamton and from speakers that I saw on video from other locations, the message was repeated over and over. “Don’t be afraid. Grab a clipboard and get signatures to run for office.”
At church on Sunday, we heard in readings and the in the homily to not be afraid. We sang a psalm response, “Of whom should I be afraid?”
I wish I could say that I am suddenly not afraid. I’m at least less afraid, because I feel that there are so many others who are going to be working to limit the damage that DT plans/executes. There is strength in numbers, especially when we are working together for the common good.
I doubt, though, that I will ever be brave enough to run for office. Years ago, when I was doing extensive volunteering in our local school district, numerous people tried to convince me to run for school board. I knew that I had the intellectual skills needed, but did not think I could muster the stamina needed for long, contentious meetings.
That still holds true.
I will just have to show my (developing) fearlessness in other ways.
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I have been giving myself some processing time before writing about the outcome of the US presidential election. I also delayed writing because I have been busy with family/household issues, but I am awake at an obscure hour so I may as well start in on this post.
I had written before about by afraid of Trump’s rhetoric during the campaign; I also had written about being a supporter of Bernie Sanders, whose policy ideas most resemble mine, who went on to support Hillary Clinton when she won the nomination and supported most of those policies.
I had also expressed hopes that the country would come together after the election.
Things don’t seem to be going that way.
I admit to be being puzzled by Speaker Ryan thinking the Republicans have a mandate to privatize Social Security, block grant funding to the states, cut business taxes, and other long-time Republican establishment goals when a) Trump campaigned against the Republican establishment b) Trump lost the popular vote c) the Republicans lost seats in both houses of Congress d) 47% of registered voters didn’t vote in the election and e) he thinks that somehow President Obama, who did win a majority of the votes in his two elections did not have a mandate.
I had hoped that Trump would gather a team around him who had experience and background in various aspects of government which, as a businessperson who has never held elective office, he lacks, but, so far, many of his picks have been problematic, especially in regards to preserving civil liberties.
I am still afraid.
I am most afraid for the American people.
I’m afraid for those who believed Trump’s promises to bring back their jobs in manufacturing, mining, and the oil and gas industries. A president does not have the power to do this because these businesses are part of global markets. The price of oil is influenced by supply and demand worldwide. Appalachian coal can’t compete with Wyoming coal because it has different properties. Most manufacturing is highly robotized and doesn’t employ as many workers as assembly lines used to.
I grew up in an area that lost a lot of jobs and population when mills closed down and have lived for the past 34 years in an area that lost a lot of population and jobs in tech and manufacturing. I know what it is like to have the younger generation need to move out of the area to find work and to find different kinds of work than their parents and grandparents had. I’m sorry, but no president can restore towns and cities to what they were ten or twenty or thirty or forty years ago. Our country was built on change and ingenuity. We have to adapt to present realities and educate and innovate and create new opportunities for the future. I’m afraid for those people who have been left behind and afraid that they are going to be disappointed again.
I’m afraid for all those who belong to groups that have been blamed, vilified, or characterized as suspect during the campaign by someone or other. Muslims, Jews, Christians. Latinos. Immigrants. Syrian refugees. LGBTQ folks. Women. Black voters. Those who are in the lower socioeconomic strata. Reporters. The less educated. Experts. (I admit that I have a lot of trouble understanding how people can vilify those who have devoted years of education, research, and experience to become experts in their fields, yet this happened frequently during the campaign. Not that I understand other parts of the blame game any better.)
I’m afraid for anyone who has ever suffered bullying or abuse and who has experienced renewed pain due to words and behavior brought out in the campaign.
I’m afraid for the US-born children and spouses of undocumented people who fear the deportation of their loved ones, and even their own deportation if the administration tries to overturn birthright citizenship.
I’m afraid for those in the military who might be deployed in unwise ways.
I’m afraid for public health if the ACA is repealed rather than being amended.
I’m afraid for public health and the environment if industry is allowed to increase pollutants and if greenhouse gas emissions go up. Many areas of the country and the world are already being impacted by climate change and the US cannot afford to pull back from our participation in international agreements. I think that most states and companies will continue to pursue greenhouse gas decreases and renewable energy increases no matter what the federal government says, but it would be much better to have the federal government leading the way instead of fighting it.
The last time I was afraid about the qualifications of the incoming president and administration was the election of George W. Bush, another candidate who was elected despite having lost the popular vote. I thought at the time “How bad could it be?” and it wound up being ten times worse than I had feared.
I am much more apprehensive about the upcoming Trump presidency. Given his volatility and lack of experience, I am very, very afraid of what may happen over the next four years.
I’m not alone.
I am taking a second while it is still Saturday to slip in an under-the-wire SoCS post before I go to bed.
I hope everyone has had a good week. It has been a strange week here in the US with the Republican convention, but I want to assure readers in other countries that the US is not the dangerous place that the speakers at the convention make it out to be. Crime is actually down.
I think we need less fear and suspicion and more love and empathy.
That goes for all nations.
Good night. Wishing you all peace.
JC
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Given that the movie Zootopia came out in the spring when we were busy dealing with Grandma’s death, I saw it for the first time recently in our local late-run movie theater. I found a number of uncomfortable parallels about racism, sexism, prejudice, jumping to often unwarranted conclusions, and fear and fear-mongering.
I feel like I am living in the midst of those things.
After the shootings in Baton Rouge yesterday, the public officials in Louisiana tried to quell rumors and pleaded for calm. President Obama then reiterated his calls for civility and for toning down divisive rhetoric, especially important as we enter two weeks of political conventions.
We need to pull together as community, as a nation, and as citizens of the world.
I am adding my voice to this effort, as I tried to do in this recent post.
I admit to being disheartened by those who are publicly blaming President Obama for the deaths of the police officers, following years of hateful rhetoric that has so many not only questioning our civic institutions’ legitimacy but also falling into violent extremism, hate speech, fear, mistrust, and/or hyper-individualism.
We are better than this.
We have brains that can gather facts and reach reasonable conclusions from them.
We have hearts to love others and to move us to care for them.
We have bodies that enable us to interact with our loved ones and for the common good.
We must not allow ourselves to be bullied, misled, or blinded by hatred or fear.
We need each other.
We are connected to each other.
We must respect each other’s human dignity.
Never forget.
Sharing this thought-provoking, heart-breaking post from Nancy of Marginalia.
It is hard not to lead with our wounds. We all have them. Some are personal. Some are from childhood. Many are cultural. Every day we step out into the world
Source: Wounded
I am going to preface this post with the statement that Nana is doing well, so as not to cause anyone undue stress.
On Friday, April 8th, my plan was to do a couple of things at Grandma’s cottage, which we were working on cleaning out, have lunch with a friend, and then head to Syracuse to bring daughter T home for the weekend, which would be her first time home since Grandma died on March 22nd.
A few minutes after I arrived at the senior community, my cell phone rang. It was my mom (Nana) calling from the emergency room. She had collapsed in the waiting room of a medical building across the street from the hospital. The rapid response team had done a couple of rounds of CPR on her and she was in the emergency room for monitoring and tests.
I used the speakerphone to tell B what was happening. He made arrangements to go to Syracuse to get T. I left messages for my friend not to expect me for lunch. Meanwhile, I drove to the hospital.
I was lucky to find a parking space in the visitors’ lot and rushed up the hill toward the emergency entrance, a cold wind blowing directly into my face, making it difficult to catch my breath. After an unusually mild winter, we had a couple of cold snowy weeks once spring had officially arrived.
Once I was able to get through the line and behind the locked doors of the ER, the wait was on. An EKG was done. The heart monitor was tracing green lines across a screen above Nana’s head. Blood was drawn for tests. They took Nana down for a chest X-ray. There was a line started in her arm, although she wasn’t hooked up to any intravenous fluids. She wasn’t allowed to eat or drink. We were talking to pass the time. The ER became increasingly busy and noisy.
Nana was having some pain in her back and chest. The nurse told us it was from the CPR. A small price to pay from having been brought back from death…
Several hours later, the physician assigned to her case came in. Nana was not dehydrated. Her electrolytes were fine. She hadn’t had a heart attack.
In fact, her heart had not stopped at all.
She had fainted, mostly likely from a combination of cold, wind, walking too quickly uphill in the morning when her medications tend to drop her blood pressure.
We were grateful that she was okay, although I admit that I have been struggling with the fact that a highly trained medical team missed her pulse and performed CPR when they should have been reaching for the smelling salts.
This was especially difficult as she has had to deal with a bruised chest and ribs over these following weeks. It was all unnecessary.
For me, it was also an extra measure of fear that pushed me within a hair’s breadth of melting down. I have been working hard at keeping myself functional during this stressful time. For a few hours, I felt as though I might not be able to cope with an added crisis.
Thank God that Nana and the rest of the family were spared what could have been so much worse.
To be afraid of change is to be afraid of growing up.
~~ Richard Rohr
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Joanne Corey 