angiogram update

Yesterday, I had a bilateral cerebral CT angiogram.

It went…okay-ish?

There were some less-than-optimal parts, like needing three attempts to get an IV started in the right location, getting twice the usual dose of sedation meds and still not really being sedated enough, and having a bizarre side effect afterward that involved seeing brightly-colored geometric shapes in my peripheral vision that weren’t there.

The doctors performing the procedure said they didn’t find anything abnormal, which was upsetting when I thought I was finally going to get an explanation for what has been going on for almost a year now. I realized today, though, that I don’t have the full results yet because those will come from the radiologist who has to review all the CT images.

So, maybe, tomorrow or later this week, there will be some answers?

Here’s hoping…

Join us for Linda’s Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/28/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-28th-2025/

Another run at Just Jot It January

So, despite all odds, I’m making another run at posting every day in January, courtesy of Linda’s Just Jot It January or #JusJoJan.

This is the 11th year Linda has hosted this initiative. I participated for the first time in 2015. While it’s not required to post every day, I usually manage it.

I admit that I try to stash away a few posts to throw in when I don’t have time and/or brain on a given day.

I have an appointment with a vascular neurologist later today, which may or may not help with the brain part of the equation.

Linda does offer prompts for the day on her blog, which many people find useful. I tend to do my own thing, other than her continuing One-Liner Wednesday and Stream of Consciousness Saturday series.

Please join us, once, twice, or up to 31 times!
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To join Just Jot It January, visit here: https://lindaghill.com/2025/01/02/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-2nd-2025/

SoCS: my year

My year has been a mess.

(It’s probably dangerous to write about it in stream of consciousness but here goes…)

2024 has been largely spent trying to untangle personal and family health situations. In March, I developed a constellation of symptoms, including left side tinnitus and visual blurring, left side neck pain and stiffness, numbness/tingling most prominently on the left side of my head, balance problems, and brain fog and fatigue.

There has followed a bunch of tests, specialists, and physical therapy – with weeks and months of waiting – and a lot of ruling out of diagnoses, but no answers yet.

Given family history and my own research and trying to pull together all the scraps of information I get from my care team, I think I have a decent guess on diagnosis but it doesn’t really matter unless I can find a doctor willing to look at the whole situation instead of their own specialized body part.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost almost a whole year of poetry work. My creative brain isn’t functioning most days. Sometimes, I get a window first thing in the morning but often not. I’m spending most afternoons in bed because of the fatigue and because it is difficult to hold my head up without support for extended periods. If I push through and do too much on a day, I’m likely to pay for it by being largely non-functional for a day or two or three or a week afterward.

I’m also lacking in my ability to remember and keep track of things. My critical thinking skills are slowed down, too. I try to do tasks that involve a lot of thought early in the day to have the best chance of remembering and piecing things together.

It’s sad and terrifying and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of who I know myself to be is missing and I don’t know if or when it will be back.

A recent test seems to show poor blood flow in one of the arteries that supplies my brain. I’m hoping that this might give us a treatable thing to work on but I’m currently waiting for the appointment with the specialist who can interpret the test. There will probably be more tests before we get to the diagnosis/treatment part.

I don’t know if 2025 will bring my brain back or if I will be facing further deterioration.

I’ll try to let you know…
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “my year.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2024/12/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-28-2024/

patience

They say that patience is a virtue.

Sometimes, I’m better with it than others.

I’ve been wanting to write a long, catch-up post for my Vote for Democracy ’24 series because so much has happened, but I haven’t had much good-quality brainpower to do it.

Sorry about that.

I hope you have more patience with me than I have with myself.

grossly unremarkable

Ugh! I’ve been putting off writing a health update post, hoping to get to a more definitive place before sharing but it’s taking long enough that I figured I better try.

Regular readers may recall that I started having trouble with tinnitus on my left side a few months back and wrote more about it on Mother’s Day. An MRI had been scheduled for June 21 with a hearing test to follow the next week.

Unfortunately, I was accumulating more symptoms on my left side, some visual difficulties in my left eye though the eye itself was fine, pressure or headache behind that eye, discomfort on the left side of my neck, intermittent tingling behind my left ear, a tendency to get lightheaded and feel off-balance, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating, perhaps caused by having to divert conscious attention to things like vision and equilibrium that are usually unconscious. I had been to my primary care provider several times but they needed the information from the MRI before we could proceed further, so the plan was that, if my symptoms worsened, I would go to the emergency room at our local hospital.

In early June, things did get worse. The most alarming part was that the tingling on the side of my head started spreading into my face and toward my neck and became almost constant. I also was having increased problems with my thought processes slowing down as I spent more and more brainpower remembering to move my head and body slowly so that I could keep my balance.

So, B took me to the hospital emergency department, arriving a bit before 9 AM. It was very busy, partially a result (we found out later) of difficulties at a neighboring hospital due to a cyber attack. It was so busy that I spent the first six hours based in the waiting room, going out for various tests and then being returned there. They did a brain CT relatively quickly to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke or some other acute thing. The results came back as “grossly normal” with some aspects being labelled as “grossly unremarkable,” which quickly became a favorite phrase for me, thus, the title of this post.

The waiting room became so crowded that they asked non-patients to leave shortly before noon, unless they were needed for patient care, such as parents of children or people who were acting as translators. So, B had to leave me; he waited at the hospital for most of the afternoon but eventually headed for home.

Mid-afternoon, there was finally a space in the treatment area for me, albeit on a gurney in the hallway, and the decision was made that I needed an MRI – which I already knew because I had one scheduled – but it was too late in the day to fit me in. I got to eat supper and eventually was moved to a room with hospital beds where several of us were on observation for the night.

Or so I thought.

Around 3 AM, I was moved upstairs to a unit that houses neurology patients. Somehow, they seemed to have missed all the stuff that happened in the ER and I had to prove to them that I wasn’t having a stroke all over again. I did have the MRI with contrast in the morning, which also proved to be grossly normal. This was, of course, good news in that it ruled out any tumors in my brain or sinuses, as well as other brain diseases or strokes. However, it didn’t tell us what was causing my symptoms.

The most useful thing that happened was a consultation with physical therapy. Dianne detected that my eyes weren’t tracking as well as they should be. She also did an evaluation for inner ear problems, where crystals in the inner ear loosen and migrate and cause eye and balance symptoms. While I don’t have the most common form of benign paroxysmal positional vertigo, I may have a variation of it with the crystals in a different part of the inner ear canal affected.

The maneuvers that Dianne did with my head and neck during the evaluation did help relieve some of my symptoms. The constant discomfort on the left side of my neck went away and I could move my head more easily. The tingling on the side of my head, which by then was constant, disappeared. Dianne recommended that I see a physical therapist who specializes in vestibular therapy and I have an appointment scheduled for next week. She also gave me an eye exercise to do at home in the meantime and some tips on posture. Additionally, a neck X-ray revealed some arthritis, which will be useful knowledge for the physical therapist.

I was discharged from the hospital that evening. There are supposed to be appointments for follow-up with a neurologist and a referral to an ear, nose, and throat specialist but I haven’t heard when those will be. The tinnitus is still constant and I may or may not have answers about that from my hearing test next week.

Over these last couple of weeks since my hospital visit, the severity of symptoms overall has been creeping higher. The current heat dome that is parked over us here in the Northeast US hasn’t been helpful; I’ve been feeling worse despite staying in our geothermal-heat-pump-cooled home as much as possible.

I’m looking forward to my vestibular therapy appointment on Wednesday, hoping that their experience will make more sense of my situation and maybe even arrive at a diagnosis that will explain some of my symptoms. It’s possible that there is more than one condition going on. For example, the tinnitus could have a cause not related to the possible inner ear issue.

Meanwhile, I’ve had to clear most of my usual activities from my schedule. My lack of concentration is making reading and writing more challenging, which is a shame, given that that is what I usually spend most of my time doing. I will try to do a quick update late next week after my vestibular therapy appointment and hearing test.

Hoping for some good news to share.

Other than being grossly unremarkable.

One-Liner Wednesday: trouble

You know you’re in trouble when even finding a meaningful quote for One-Liner Wednesday is beyond your brainpower.

This (poor excuse of a) post is brought to you as part of Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays. Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/03/08/one-liner-wednesday-im-over-it/

JC’s Confessions #26

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

Ugh.

Folks who have been reading my blog regularly (thank you!) know that I have been dealing with a lot of loss and stress in recent years. I’ve been struggling to find energy to accomplish things and often feel like I can’t concentrate.

I’ve taken a lot of steps to cut down on what I’m trying to do in a day/week but there are still days that nothing of import gets started, much less done. I’ve tried to reach out for additional support but there are times when I can’t even manage to gather the energy needed to reach out and arrange to meet. Granted, the pandemic waves aren’t helpful, either.

I recognize from friends who study such things and from my reading that I am still grieving and that my brain is quite literally rewiring itself in line with my new reality.

A few weeks ago, I decided to try to shift my perspective. I decided to set aside some things I had been trying to do/worrying about and to give myself more grace/space to wait out the brain changes.

My doctor warned me it would be difficult and it is.

There have been little glimmers of hope. I’ve been able to arrange for some self-care appointments that I need. I’ve managed to post every day this month so far for Just Jot It January, although I confess I’m looking forward to February when that pressure I’ve put on myself will be off. I’ve made progress on preparing my chapbook manuscript for publication.

Overall, though, I am still struggling and struggling to accept that I’m still struggling, which is a large part of what I was hoping to do.

Maybe that is the way things must be for now.

I just need to accept it.
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Join us for Linda’s Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/01/27/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-27th-2023/

implicit bias

Yesterday, I reported for jury duty, although I wasn’t chosen to be a juror.

After some initial paperwork, all the prospective jurors watched two short videos. One was the basics of court cases, which had been digitized from an older film version, making the audio and visual quality mediocre at best. The other was a very good video about implicit bias.

Implicit bias is the phenomenon of having unconscious thoughts or feelings about something or someone. The video pointed out that most of what our brains do every day is unconscious, ingrained from prior experience. For example, we don’t have to consciously reason out that you pour coffee into a cup rather than a shoe. Our unconscious mind knows what we need to do in most of our daily activities and can handle millions of details while our conscious mind can only handle a few dozen. However, our unconscious mind may also be the home of stereotypes of people of a certain race, gender, religion, occupation, socioeconomic group, etc.

The video was a very helpful reminder that we do need to consciously consider the influence our unconscious mind has on our thoughts and decisions, especially when dealing with new people and situations. During a trial, there are bound to be many instances of potential implicit bias. Do you trust a witness of the same race as you more than one of another race? Do you believe or disbelieve every word from a police officer because of the way you unconsciously react to authority figures?

I thought that the video did a good job of pointing out that everyone has implicit biases because everyone has an unconscious mind that is making it possible to function. The thing that is needed, during a trial and in everyday life, is to bring your conscious mind to bear on a situation and to ask yourself if your initial reactions are influenced by unconscious bias. The hope is that the recognition will make your judgments and actions fairer.

While I’m not acting as a juror this week, I will try to be more conscious of my own implicit bias in my daily life.

It will always be a work-in-progress.
*****
Join us for Linda’s Just Jot It January! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/01/24/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-24th-2023/

Hyphens

Today has gotten away from me, so I’ve decided to use the prompt from Linda’s Just Jot It January for a quick post.Today’s prompt from Sally is “hyphenated.”

I love to use hyphenated words. I find hyphens useful in visually clarifying words, which, no doubt, means that I overuse them.

For example, I’m inclined to write non-fiction rather than nonfiction. Somehow, including the hyphen makes it easier for my brain to process the word.

Does anyone else share this quirk?

SoCS: luck

I’m not sure I believe in luck anymore.

Or maybe I only believe in luck, given that no amount of thought, planning, and preparation seems adequate?

Hard to say…

Was it lucky that Paco, after literally months of not being able to even remember how to even answer his phone, suddenly remembered how yesterday?

I thought that maybe he was recovering some brain function that we thought had been permanently lost in his falls in June.

Or was it unlucky because he called me at 12:45 AM to ask about a dental appointment that was on his calendar that he didn’t remember going to?

I called the aide station and asked for them to remove the receivers from his room. I also hoped that he would go to sleep. It was odd that he was awake at that hour because he hadn’t slept much during the day, either, and lately he has been napping extensively and sleeping all night.

At 1:45 AM, my phone rang again. It was Paco, calling to tell me that his phone wasn’t working. The aide hadn’t realized that there were two wireless handsets and Paco had found the second one, most likely the one on the homebase that was hidden behind his television.

I called the aide station to ask them to get the second handset out of there, which they presumably did, but I, who had only slept maybe an hour before the first call came in and not since, still couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and did a bit of correspondence and finally went to sleep sometime after 3:30.

Of course, I was awake by 7.

On Saturday morning, the nursing home has a singalong at 10:00. Singalongs are by far Paco’s favorite activity, so I had planned to stay at home this morning and spend a few hours finishing touch-ups and a cover letter to submit my poetry collection to a press for consideration, but I don’t know if I have enough brain to do it.

Stream of consciousness blogging is one thing; editing poetry and following detailed submission instructions is another. I’m not sure my brain can handle the second.

It’s too bad I don’t drink coffee.

Or tea.

Or anything with caffeine.

Or that my body doesn’t seem to have the same effects from caffeine that most people do.

So, if I’m lucky, at some point this weekend, I’ll have enough brainpower to get the manuscript sent out.

If I’m really lucky, Paco will retain his phone calling ability while regaining his sense of night and day, which seemed to have failed him yesterday even as his phone skills reappeared.

But, yeah, it’s not really about luck, is it?

It’s about dementia and its progression and my worry and the taxing of my coping skills after so many years of caregiving for a succession of people with myriad needs.

Luck has little, or maybe even nothing, to do with it.
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Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “luck.” Join us! Find out more here: https://lindaghill.com/2021/08/13/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-aug-14-2021/