Later today, I’ll be travelling to North Adams, Massachusetts to begin the 2024 Boiler House Poets Collective workshop-in-residence at The Studios at MASS MoCA (Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Arts).
It’s been lovely seeing the enthusiasm among my fellow poets as we’ve been doing our final preparations. Unfortunately, due to my current health complications, I’ve mostly been feeling apprehensive.
I’m used to spending long days and evenings during residency writing, editing, visiting the museum, workshopping, and eating/socializing with my poet-friends, but this year I have scaled my plans back significantly in deference to my current struggles with tinnitus, blurred vision, neck pain and stiffness, balance problems, fatigue, and brain fog. I’ve planned to do creative work in the mornings when I’m most likely to have mental clarity, spend most of the afternoon resting, and re-join the group for the evening.
This plan might work – or it might not. I need to be careful to listen to what my body is able to do that day and adjust because, if I push too hard, I risk the next day being a total loss.
I am not putting pressure on myself to generate new work if I don’t have the mojo to do so. There are plenty of poems that I could work on revisions. There’s also a lot of submission work I could do, which isn’t especially creative but does involve careful attention to detail.
It’s not that I haven’t had life complications at past residencies. I’ve done them during the final years of my parents’ lives when I was involved with their care and after their deaths when I was in the early phases of grief.
This situation feels different, though. While my brain was working differently when I was highly stressed or grieving, I still recognized what was happening in my head. The brain fog is more difficult. I need to divert part of my attention to processing what I see and hear and to how I move in order to keep my balance. My thoughts are slowed down and I easily lose my train of thought. I’m accustomed to mulling poems in my head before I sit down to write but it’s rare now that my brain has the power to generate a creative seed and allow it to germinate.
I think part of me is afraid that this state is my “new normal.” Without a diagnosis, treatment is elusive. We are working on that but it’s frustrating that I don’t have my accustomed level of mental acuity to bring to the process.
I’m also sad that I haven’t been able to workshop poems for months here with the Grapevine Poets and that will continue this week with BHPC. I miss seeing others’ work in progress and hearing the discussion about possible revisions. It’s a reciprocal relationship among the poets and very valuable for someone like me who came to poetry later in life without formal training in craft. I miss being able to do it, even though I always feel that I get more than I’m able to give in feedback to others.
As you can see from the graphic on this post, we will be doing a public reading on Wednesday, October 9 at 7 PM at the Bear & Bee Bookshop. I am determined to do that as well as I can. I am reading first when I’m most likely to have the needed energy. I chose poems and wrote out the welcome remarks I need to make so that I don’t babble or forget what I need to say. I haven’t practiced as much as I probably ought to have but will make sure to do at least a couple of run-throughs before Wednesady evening.
You may be asking why on earth I am still trying to do the residency in my compromised state. I am committed to the Boiler House Poets Collective and my current role as liaison to The Studios. Still, I wouldn’t be able to do this were it not for my trust in the BHPC members. Last year, we planned for members to take on different aspects of organizing the residency and everyone has stepped up to do their part and more. I am able to carpool with my local BHPC members so I don’t have to drive. I know that any of them will be willing to give me a hand, perhaps literally if I need it to help with my balance. I absolutely could not do this without their support and I appreciate it.
I’ll try to get some posts in from the residency to let you know how things are going. Prose is generally easier for me to write than poetry so maybe that will work out. Maybe not.
I’ll try to listen to my body.
Wish me luck.
Joanne Corey 