JC’s Confessions #32

In the first few seasons of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert did a recurring skit, then a best-selling book, called Midnight Confessions, in which he “confesses” to his audience with the disclaimer that he isn’t sure these things are really sins but that he does “feel bad about them.” While Stephen and his writers are famously funny, I am not, so my JC’s Confessions will be somewhat more serious reflections, but they will be things that I feel bad about. Stephen’s audience always forgives him at the end of the segment; I’m not expecting that – and these aren’t really sins – but comments are always welcome.

I am (perhaps overly) proud of my intellect.

It wasn’t always that way.

I was brought up with the ethos of “do the best you can” and the good fortune that my best fit in well with the expectations of schooling. That, coupled with a natural love of learning, landed me various honors. High school valedictorian, also attained by both my older and younger sisters. Phi Beta Kappa and summa cum laude at Smith College, where I was also the Presser Scholar in music my senior year. While I was thrilled to be recognized, I could chalk up the honors to my hard work and liberal-artsy curiosity rather than ascribing it to particular intelligence.

Developing pride came more as a self-defense mechanism when I was a young mom. I had chosen to be the full-time, at-home caregiver, facilitated by the time and place in which B and I were navigating parenthood. This was not, though, the lifestyle expected of a high-achieving, Seven-Sisters grad. Without the external validation of a paying job and in contravention of the “having it all” Super-woman model of the 1980s, I developed pride in who I was and what I chose to do – and do well, as I continued to do the best that I could – almost as a defense mechanism.

This quiet pride helped me navigate a number of challenges in our family life and in my volunteer work over decades, but pride is both a positive attribute and a “deadly sin.”

As many of you know, I’ve been struggling with a still-not-fully-diagnosed medical condition, now well into its second year, that has caused significant brain fog and fatigue. In particular, I’ve lost access to my creative side, which is a huge blow to my life as a poet, and my ability to research, synthesize, and think critically is diminished both in scope and duration.

It’s a difficult time in my life and made more so because my intellect has long been such a core part of my identity.

Who am I living with this disability?

How will I face the prospect of losing the life of the mind that I have cultivated and loved for so long?

I’ve been fighting my way through the medical maze to try to regain what I’ve lost but it’s not at all clear at this point that it will be possible. I also am facing the prospect that I could deteriorate further.

Can I remain proud of who I am?

I know the answer should be yes, in keeping with the dignity inherent in each person.

It remains to be seen if I can apply the grace I give to others to myself.

Unknown's avatar

Author: Joanne Corey

Please come visit my eclectic blog, Top of JC's Mind. You can never be sure what you'll find!

13 thoughts on “JC’s Confessions #32”

  2. Because I get all my blog post emails on Monday, I received this post immediately followed by the news you had received the journal with your poem in it. I thought how very lovely. To be struggling with creativity, then have the affirmation of creative success. When life is hard it’s nice to get something good.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. I love Stephen! Because he is on late at night, we record him and then watch later. We watched the entire run of The Colbert Report that way and will have watched all of The Late Show that way, too. I’m so upset about the cancellation but I’m sure Stephen will find/make another venue for us all to enjoy his talent.

      Like

      Reply

  4. I find it so much harder to be kinder to myself than others. Deep breath. One day at a time, that’s all you can do. An additional layer of stress is having to fight the medical machine instead of being helped and supported by it. Actual treatment would make a big difference, and allow you to create tools to help navigate your reality and find your way back to creativity, even if you have to do it a little differently. But you can’t even start doing that while fighting the machine and just being in survival mode.

    I hope things level out, and that you get actual help and treatment. You are loved, supported, valued, no matter what.

    On your lowest days, you are still a font of creativity and inspiration to the rest of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. ❤ Thank you so much, Devon, for the love and encouragement. It means so much to me. Remember to treat yourself with as much kindness as you treat me, even though it might require some mind and heart gymnastics.

      After a discouraging specialist visits yesterday, today I got a lead on an NP/herbalist who practices integrative medicine. She is opening her own practice in January and I am now on her contact list for when she starts scheduling. I wish I could see her next week, but having found someone with experience with connective tissue disorders who will look at me as a whole person rather than slicing and dicing me into parts is giving me hope today.

      Like

      Reply

  5. Granting ourselves grace feels infinitely harder than showing up that way for others. This is a challenging transition period. I hope you can find pride in how you’re navigating what sounds like a hard reimagining of who you are💛

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. ❤ Thanks so much, Laura. The uncertainty of the situation is part of the challenge at this point. I know that some limitations will likely persist but it's really hard to face that they all could be permanent with further deterioration coming.

      Like

      Reply

  6. I can relate to being “high-maintenance”…and don’t get me started re current “healthcare”. The depressing reality is that it’s a business, not much caring left in it…that’s been a tough adjustment on top of all the aspects of this aeging gig. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Any thoughts? Please share.